After Our Darkest Hour
by Defiant.Anjeru
Summary: Commander Shepard defeated the Reapers and barely lived to tell the tale. But what comes next, with the galaxy torn asunder? Even now, the galaxy and its inhabitants still have need of Commander Shepard, but surprising changes, miracles, and unforeseen changes will affect the balance of her life. Post ME3. Kaidan/Fem!Shep! Rated Mature for obvious reasons. Now with Alenko babies!
1. Surviving Against All Odds

**-Please read the Author's Note before the story-**

**A/N**: This is a rewrite of a the fic 'Decision and Visions', the post Mass Effect 3 fic I was writing before I heavily researched the Indoctrination Theory for the game's ending. This begins with the Destroy Ending, the one which Shepard is alive because she refused to succumb to Indoctrination; everything after Harbringer's beam – based upon the Indoctrination Theory – happened in Shepard's head. The final push the Reapers made to try and control Shepard. The Indoctrination Theory _**does**_ have its flaws; are the Reapers destroyed, what happened to the Citadel and Mass Relays, are your teammates alive or dead after being struck by Harbringer's beam? Considering you have to have the _highest_Effective Military Strength score for the **true** ending, it is _my_ belief that the forces Shepard amassed would have been enough to destroy the Reapers at Earth and destroy the Citadel; and since the Citadel and its Keepers are linked to the Reapers and Mass Relays( as it is _**all **_Reaper technology), destroying it would destroy the relays and the Reapers. This brings into question what the Crucible was and how it was used – I would like to interpret it into a way that keeps the relays intact and does _not_ kill all synthetic life(given how the god-child bold faced lied to Shepard about how the Destroy choice would _kill _her, when it clearly did not – it could have been lying about the synthetic part, to keep Shepard from making that choice).

This story is based upon the Indoctrination Theory, however, a lot has still been left to interpretation and this is how this idea – this story – came to be. All reviews are loved, and by far appreciated; I just ask that you be gentle – constructive criticism is different than flaming. Flaming will be ignored so please, don't bother. I ask that if you don't like it, please just leave without comment.

Without further ado, the beginning to **After Our Darkest Hour**.

_Disclaimer: Bioware._

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter One - Surviving Against All Odds  
**

* * *

"_Shepard? Shepard can you hear me?...Ugh."_

"_You okay, Kaidan?" _

"_Fine, don't worry about it. We need to find Shepard."_

"_We will. We won't leave her here, not after everything we have been through."_

"_Damnit. Shepard? __**Shepard!**__"_

Her head was pounding, as if someone had been smashing it against a wall. Her body felt worse – heavy, aching, shooting pains all over. Her ears were ringing, but she swore she could hear voices amongst static; was it her radio? She opened her eyes slowly, only to see nothing but rubble and darkness. Next she tried to move, but a quick assessment from the soldier alerted her to the fact she was half buried under heavy pieces of concrete.

That…couldn't be right.

She had been limping toward the panel her Alliance issued N-7 Eagle clutched in her bloody palm. Her head had been buzzing, insidious whispers telling her that this wasn't the right choice, but she had pressed on. Anderson had said destroying them was the _only_ way; she had been fighting this war too long this way to let her beliefs slide. There was no controlling the Reapers – just their destruction. As she had grown closer the red-hued panel, her body had become lighter and she had straightened, shoulders back, head held high, pistol lifted and aimed directly at the barrel of the panel. The whispers turned to screams and she grit her teeth, pulling the trigger – once, then twice, again and again. Even as it exploded in her face, she pressed on. One final explosion and then there was nothing but darkness, her head suddenly whisper free as she floated, feeling as if – at last – they had finally won.

She could not have survived the impending explosion of the Citadel. _If_ she did survive it, she still would have been left in space with no helmet, falling through the Earth's atmosphere and plummeting for the ground from the sky.

No…she shouldn't be alive. She shifted and then bit her lip, biting back a groan of pain. Spirits, but did it hurt. She hadn't expected to survive; the odds had been stacked against her.

"_Lola…"_ A soft sigh. _"At least she went down fighting."_

"_She is not dead! Stop talking like that damnit, and move that damned rubble!_" A groan and sharp intake of air, that was exhaled on a shuddering breath.

"_Kaidan let me look at that. I have some medi-gel."_

"_No! We can't afford to stop looking. You saw how injured we were by Harbringer's beam…s-she could be far worse off than us, we have to find her."_

"Kaidan…" She sighed his name, her heart giving a faint flutter within her chest. She had distanced herself from all others after surviving Mindoir and then Akuze; it wasn't just the survivor's guilt, but the ominous feeling that she brought death to all those around her. Then Kaidan had come along and pulled her into something she could not deny – ominous feelings and regulations be damned. Even when he had turned his back on her after her resurrection, and even after they had held each other at gunpoint because he didn't fully trust her, she couldn't deny what she felt for him. Through some miracle, while others continued to die around them – Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion – they had managed to stay alive. It was a heavy weight off her shoulders to hear his voice, to _know_ that he had survived.

"_Did you hear that?"_

"_Was that Lola? Damn! She is a tough shit, I'll give her that."_

"_Now is not the time Vega! Shepard, Shepard? Can you hear me? Please, say something – anything." _

She coughed, her chest shuddering with the motion. Her throat was so dry. How long had she been laying here? "I'm h-here…"

"_Damnit Shepard, you made me promise to be waiting for you and I am! Where are you? Can you tell us where you are?"_

"It's…dark. I'm…" she coughed again, her body tightening up as she tried to readjust, lying buried beneath all this debris making her stiff. "…buried…l thought…I thought I made it to the beam…"

"_Negative, Commander. Harbringer's beam brought us all down. Damn – a couple more scars for the rebel persona."_

It was like Garrus to say something almost uplifting in a moment as bleak as this. "How…long ago?"

"_Through the night – it's midday now. We've been searching the rubble of the conduit for you. Only you seemed to be in the thick of it."_

"I remember…Harbringer's beam…I was so close." She lifted a hand, grasping at the piece of concrete that lay over her left shoulder, using all her remaining strength to shove it off. She groaned, her head lolling back as her chest heaved.

"_Shepard! Are you alright?" _

"F-fine, Kaidan…I should be close to where the beam hit us…" She heard something, sounds of pieces of concrete being hefted and moved around. Shifting of the rubble around her. "I…can hear you." Dizziness swarmed over her, blackness teasing at the edges of her vision even as she shut her eyes.

"_She's close! __**Get a move on!**__"_

* * *

Kaidan's heart was pounding like a jackhammer in his chest as he lifted a piece of rubble and threw it aside. She was alive, damnit, and they had to find her before that changed. She wasn't answering them now and he feared the worst. Vega, Garrus, EDI, and Javik were helping, while Liara and Tali helped coordinate medical supplies, as well as helping fallen soldiers as they were uncovered. Most were dead, but Kaidan knew if anyone could survive this, it would be Shepard.

"Move faster!" He yelled out the words, his chest heaving with the physical strain. The extent of his injuries had left him without his biotics, but he wasn't about to let that stop him.

"Yelling at us isn't going to make finding her easier," Vega grumbled, though he was quick to shut his trap when Kaidan's amber glare fell upon him.

"That isn't going to help matters," Garrus whispered to Vega, who merely grunted in response. "If someone you loved was under all this –" the Turian's mandibles tightened as he lifted and tossed a piece of concrete out of his way – "nothing would stop you either."

"The odds that she is still alive are slim at best." Javik said after a moment.

Garrus hissed at the Prothean, "that won't help either! Just shut up and keep moving. Shepard is known for beating the odds."

Kaidan sighed almost gratefully at Garrus' interruption, his frustration welling up in waves of anger at the conversation; he didn't care what the damned Prothean thought of odds. He was going to find her, even if he had to be here, moving rubble and debris, for days on end. Even as his body was aching, his head throbbing, he couldn't bring himself to stop, even for a moment for Liara to check on him or down a bottle of water. He couldn't stop until he found her.

"_Over here!_" Vega nearly screamed the words as he chucked aside some debris; there, he could see the distinctive color of Shepard's unique armor on her boot – how could anyone miss that black, red, and white armor amongst a sea of greys and blues?

Kaidan dropped the concrete he held and ran across the stretch of debris to where Vega was digging frantically, pulling piece after piece away. The biotic Major fell by his side, Garrus joining in next, both helping uncover the Commander's prone body. His heart nearly stopped in his chest, his hands trembling; she was so still.

_Please, please! She can't be dead, not after all this! _They couldn't have come so close, only to fall short at the finish line – he wouldn't allow it.

"She's not breathing!" Garrus exclaimed, panic edging in on his two-toned voice.

"No!" Kaidan denied if vehemently as they carefully removed her from the rubble and moved her to flat ground. She was covered in blood. Her armor was melted to her skin in places, her hair dingy and matted with dry blood. Her lip was split, a gash above her eye through a dainty eyebrow. Kaidan's eyes fell on her chest, waiting for the lift and fall of her breastplate; when it never came, he shoved them aside and started chest compressions. It had only been three minutes, at max, since she had stopped responding; there was still a chance.

"It is unlikely you can revive her, Major," EDI informed him as the rest of the team gathered around save for Javik.

"I will," Kaidan hissed the words and pinched Shepard's nose shut, bending down to lock his lips to hers, breathing for her by giving her his air. Then up again for compressions. It seemed hopeless, but then Shepard gasped, her whole body arching as she dissolved into a fit of coughing. Liara was on her in an instant, applying medi-gel to what she could, as Shepard fell back lethargically.

Kaidan tapped into his radio, activating the link with the Normandy. "Joker, do you copy?"

"Loud and clear, Major."

"Get the Normandy down here now! We found Shepard! We have to get her to Dr. Chakwas immediately!" He tried to keep the panic from his voice, but it was there, lacing through his deep voice without subtlety.

"ETA two minutes."

"Kaidan, you need to pick her up, but be careful. I have done all I can for now." Liara laid her hand on his shoulder, jerking his gaze back to Shepard.

He nodded, slipped out from under the Asari's hand, and leaned down, slipping his arm beneath her head and the other under her knees. With a grunt, he lifted her up, trying not to panic as her head lolled against his shoulder. "I got you, Shepard." He whispered as he kissed her brow. "I am not letting you go, I promise. Just hang in there." Holding her tightly to him, but mindful of her injuries, he trekked away from the rubble toward the crest of the hill where the Alliance soldiers were gathered. In the distance he saw the Normandy dropping low, heading toward where they were, and his grip on Shepard tightened.

"Hang in there."

* * *

"Shepard is waking."

Shepard's brows drew together tightly, EDI's voice filtering through the darkness to lure her forward. Her eyes shut tighter, clenching shut, before she hesitantly let them flutter open. Light blinded her and she winced, arm rising slowly to shield her gaze from the offending lighting of the med bay.

"Shepard?" She winced slightly uncertain as to why when someone stopped her arm, taking her hand and lowering it to hold it in theirs. That voice sounded familiar and she worked through the webbing of blurriness that made it hard to see. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again.

Kaidan leaned over her, grasping her hand as his own trembled. They had come close to losing her twice already and he worried she would relapse, even though both Chakwas and EDI assured him that, with time, Shepard would make a full recovery. Her eyes found him, those beautiful nearly silver orbs drawing him in and holding him prisoner as they had from the very beginning. Her lips twitched, then pulled up into a slight smile. Her other hand lifted and found his cheek, stroking it gently.

"Kaidan…you found me…" She whispered the words, and nearly choked on them as she trembled; she was not one to show fear, but even she had her moments of weakness. Of all people, she was entitled to them.

"Always." He glanced up to see EDI and Chakwas discreetly leave the med-bay, before dipping his head down to kiss Shepard's trembling lips. It was light, brief, and achingly tender. It was the perfect kiss, one he had wished for years before he met Shepard. Never had a woman held him so enthralled. To have lost her once had nearly killed him as well, to have nearly lost her again was maddening. He withdrew slowly and took his free hand, running it gently over her hair. "You scared the shit out of me, Shepard."

"Sorry," she chuckled softly, shaking her head. "What…what happened, Kaidan? I…I saw so many things after Harbringer's beam and…I wonder if I've finally lost my mind."

He sighed softly and sat back in his chair, though he kept ahold of her hand. "No one reached the conduit beam, not after what Harbringer did to Hammer. Hackett docked the Crucible and it fired a red light. It enveloped everything. I…I wasn't recovered myself until after the beam fired, but Hackett made a report to the entire Alliance that the Reapers fell to the beam and the Citadel, along with the Crucible, detonated. Surprisingly, the relays seem to be intact. Except for our friends, the rest of our alien comrades have retreated to aid their home worlds in their rebuilding efforts."

"I really must have been going mad…" She groaned and took her hand, scrubbing both of her hands over her tired face.

Kaidan leaned toward her, sliding his hand in a gentle caress over her hair again. "What is it Shepard?"

"I…I don't know. I thought…I thought I had made it to the beam, though I was severely injured. The Citadel was lined with bodies but…they didn't look right, like dolls almost, husks maybe. Anderson somehow made it and I found him and the Illusive Man. I shot Anderson…" her voice trembled. "but then I shot the Illusive Man; he'd been controlling me somehow and my head was buzzing, I couldn't think. Anderson said the Crucible wouldn't fire…next thing I knew I was in an area I had never seen, some weird AI telling me the choices I had in beating the Reapers…control them or destroy them…" She broke off in nearly bitter laughter. After a moment she sighed. "But then I woke, under all that rubble…it must have been in my head…"

"Shepard…" He stood and slid her over gently. He lay beside her, drawing her into his arms and holding her against him as she shuddered, subdued sobs desperately trying to make their way from within her. Only one or two times before had he seen her cry – she was so strong – but she deserved a moment to break down and be human.

"On top of the dreams…the whispers…the oily shadows." She shuddered. "Am I going insane, Kaidan?"

"No, Shepard. It's okay, it's all okay. Except for a few more scars, we all made it out alive by some miracle or another." He said the words with conviction, convincing himself just as much as he did his best to convince her. "It's over now."

"Kaidan, is Anderson…?"

"He's alive, Shepard…but he was nearly dead when we found him, like you. He's in the temporary ICU. As is Cortez." He stroked her hair, pulling her head to lie against his chest to find comfort in the slow, calming rhythm of his beating heart.

"How bad off was I?" She sighed softly, taking comfort in his arms. She had come so close to losing this forever.

He shuddered, his arms tightening around her, his nose burying itself in her hair. "When we found you…you weren't breathing. I had…I had to give you CPR. We brought you onto the Normandy and Chakwas nearly lost you twice. You were covered in blood…bruises…cuts…scrapes…your armor was m-melted to your skin in place…" He choked slightly and trembled. "It was too close, Shepard. I came so close to losing you again…God, Anvi, I don't know what I would have done without you. Please don't do that again."

"I love you Kaidan." She pressed her lips to his frantic pulse. "I would gladly give my life to save you, you know that."

"Hey, hey. None of that, please," he chuckled into her hair. "I love you, Shepard. Don't you dare do that again, and that's an order."

Shepard smiled and closed her eyes, leaning into his hold and taking comfort there. It felt right, but the fragments of her dream were there, still taunting her mind of things she were certain had happened and yet, had not. It had felt so real…but as she lay there, wrapped up in Kaidan's arms, she could be thankful that it had not been. That _this_, this was her reality and not the warped one that had turned her world upside down and destroyed her.

"Aye-aye, Major."

* * *

**A/N: **So that is the rewrite of the first chapter; as I said, besides the beginning and some…other things, the story will remain the same. Some parts will have to be reworked, given the Citadel was destroyed, but I am hoping this will be a good story even with the changes. A couple of you have voiced displeasure in my choice, but as an author, I have to stand behind it and not falter. All reviews are appreciated, as always. And thank you to any of you that have given this fic a chance.


	2. Pulling Past Delusions and Making Waves

**A/N:** Thank you to all of you who've decided to give this fic a chance, and for the reviews(I have tried to respond to each), and for the overwhelming amount of story alerts and favorites. That being said, smut inbound, as this fic is rated M for a reason.

_Disclaimer: Bioware._

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Two – Pulling Past Delusions and Making Waves**

* * *

_She was running; her was chest heaving painfully as she desperately tried to keep herself moving forward. The bodies were everywhere, littering the dark hall around her in a grotesque imitation of what she could recall of her time on the Citadel. They had doll-like faces devoid of expression, empty eyes, their skin peeling; reminiscent of husks, yet profoundly more frightening. Suddenly the path opened before her and she covered her eyes with an arm as an explosion of light nearly blinded her. When it dimmed, she found herself standing with her N-7 Eagle aimed at Anderson; she grit her teeth, tried to swing it away to where the Illusive Man stood, his warped face holding his smug smirk. With every piece of her being yelling at her to do the opposite, her index finger tightened on the trigger. Anderson grunted with pain, falling to his knees as the Illusive Man moved to stand just behind him a pistol aimed to finish the job. _

_Her eyes fell shut as her body trembled; she awaited the sound she knew was only milliseconds away from hitting her ears. When it never came, she hesitantly lifted her lashes, her lips pulling into a tight frown when she found herself standing on the white, almost heavenly, platform. The AI-child stood beside her, grasping her larger hand with his small one, smiling up at her encouragingly. _

_She nodded and pulled away to start the slow walk toward the control rods, glowing in a blue hue she found almost…comforting. One boot hit the rise of the platform, and then she stopped. Her brows pulled together tightly. _

_Her dreams; they had warned her of trusting in this child, that saving him would lead to her death, bathed in searing flames. She turned, pale, nearly silver, blue eyes finding the AI-child watching her with unrivaled expectation. 'Move forward' he seemed to say, 'do not stop now'. The buzzing in her head grew too loud and she clutched her hands over her ears; the whispers, she could hear them – Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion, and Anderson, telling her 'No not this way, go back! Go back!'. _

_The AI-child appeared almost frightened as she whirled around, eyes wild, her body half stumbling as she made a break for the opposite platform. N-7 Eagle lifted, pointed at the red-hued barrel at the end; the whispers became roars, and her head felt like it would split open, but she didn't stop. As she pulled the trigger and the explosion enveloped her, she reached out…_

…And found herself jerking awake in her own bed, sheet slipping into her lap as she sat up. Her skin was clammy, her chest heaving and head pounding ever so slightly as her eyes took in the room around her. She was in her Quarters on the Normandy SR-2, the glow of the Aquarium bathing the room in subtle light. Her eyes fell to the bed and found Kaidan asleep beside her.

She had been dreaming then. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, a habit she had adapted from her father before he had been murdered on Mindoir with the rest of her family; he did it when he was frustrated, tired, or sometimes when he was stressed. She could relate to all three of those.

It was strange, to have a reoccurring nightmare that felt more real and life-like than actual reality. It had plagued her for well over a week now, since she had awoken buried under the rubble of the Conduit Beam. Her injuries were nearly healed, helped in their process by her cybernetic implants that had been given to her during her reconstruction. Yet even as her body healed, save for a number of scars, her mind refused to follow as smoothly.

She actually began to consider the fact she had cracked under the pressure and was slowly going insane, one night at a time. If it weren't for Kaidan…well, she didn't want to think of that.

"Hey. What's wrong? Did you have that dream again?" Kaidan sat up beside her, sliding an arm around her and pulling her against his side. His lips pressed gently to her forehead, a hand moving soothingly over her bare back in a comforting gesture.

"Nightmare, more like," she sighed against his neck as she turned in his embrace.

"Shepard…" He pulled her tighter against his body.

"I just…I can't help but wonder if there is something to it. It was so real, Kaidan. I could feel everything as if it were happening…" She frowned tightly. "I don't understand."

"It will pass with time, Shepard." His hands found her face and lifted it so their eyes could meet; his cautious and caring, hers wary and confused. His lips found hers, gentle at first, his hands sliding into her hair as it deepened. His tongue teased the part in her lips, coaxing them to open for him and, when they did, his tongue slid inside the velvet heat of her mouth to tantalize her. She shuddered against his warm body and moved closer, slowly pushing him to lay back on the mattress as she straddled his hips with her knees. Breathlessly, they broke apart, eyes a mirror of each others now each filled with desire and heat. "Let me take your mind…elsewhere."

She chuckled, the deep baritone of his voice making a shiver skate down her spine. He did have the most delicious voice, she realized. He took her moment of distraction to grip her shoulders, rolling them over so she lay on her back with him settled between her pale thighs. Before she could make a smart ass comment, he leaned down and recaptured her mouth, kissing her until she wasn't able to string together two coherent words. His hands found her breasts, caressing them, rolling the luscious flesh, between index fingers and thumbs tweaked her hardened nipples. She tore her mouth away breathlessly to moan, her hips wantonly arching into his as her center clenched in anticipation.

"Shepard," he groaned her name, kissing down the length of her toned body until he was settled between her legs, her thighs lifted to sit on his shoulders. Their eyes met and with a wicked grin, he dipped his head and stroked his tongue over her sex. She gasped, hands clutching at the bed to hold the sheets in a death grip; encouraged by her reaction, he flicked his tongue over her nub of pleasure, nestled at the top of her nether lips. She moaned and he did it again, before sliding his tongue down between her lips to dip it within her heat. His nose brushed her nub as he stroked her velvet sheath with his tongue, and he didn't stop until she was a writhing, nearly sobbing, wreck on the bed.

He dropped her legs and moved back up, wrenching a hand in her hair and slanting his lips over hers as his hips shot forward, burying his cock deep within her heat. They both gasped, and moaned, bodies shuddering in unison at the feeling of being joined. They hadn't come together since finding her barely alive, he had been worried about hurting her; now that they were joined, he marveled at how it felt to be at home within her and how much willpower he had to have to keep himself from this.

The pace started easy, slow, but was quick to pick up into a delirious, eager one. He had nearly lost her and he couldn't keep himself from her, his cock thrusting into her hard and fast again and again. It wasn't long before he had her spiraling off the cliff into an intense climax; her body arched, the walls of her sheath tightening on him like a vice as she bathed him in her release. He thrust, gasping, and then with a loud groan, he stilled above her as he spilled himself within her(the fact that she was not on any medications for prevent pregnancy or fertility – given her near death experience – didn't occur to him, or her either).

Kaidan fell to her side and wrapped her within his arms, pulling her against his chest. Within moments, she fell back into slumber and he stroked his hand over her dyed hair, smiling slightly at the fact that she had dyed it such an outrageous hue – purple, in fact. He supposed her time under house arrest on Earth must have been more boring than he had originally thought. He nestled his head against hers and let himself doze off.

* * *

_Two weeks Later_

* * *

With the Citadel destroyed, galactic civilization was forced to discuss an alternative construct for the home of the Embassies and galactic council. It was Shepard's idea to build a new station and soon, it was under way, in the very heart of where the Citadel had made its home within the Serpent Nebula. They knew it would be nothing like what the Citadel had been, but it would be a start – and a start was what the galaxy needed in the aftermath of the Reaper War.

Shepard being the initial voice behind the idea had Kaidan reasoning that she was so preoccupied, she had been unintentionally withdrawing from him. Since their night two weeks ago, they had one wild tryst in the elevator, but that had been it. Whenever he tried to draw her away, she would mumble an excuse and make a hasty retreat. The Commander spent most her time in the War Room with EDI, or in the med-bay with Chakwas, for varying reasons. Ones she wanted to share with him, but never did.

She was on Earth now, discussing details of reconstruction amongst other things, with Admiral Hackett. Kaidan had caught a shuttle from the Normandy an hour after she left, determined to at last confront her and figure out what was causing her to pull away from him. They had been through too much for him to allow her to distance herself this way. He leaned against the wall of the waiting area in the temporary Alliance Headquarters in London, folding his arms over his chest.

Before long, the doors to the conference room hissed open as Shepard and Hackett strode out in deep conversation. Kaidan couldn't make out what they were discussing until they got closer to him, Shepard's eyes finding him almost warily.

"I will see you at the end of the week, Commander. As we feared, Anderson isn't faring too well. Go see him, if you have the time." Hackett returned Shepard's salute, before turning away; Kaidan saluted the Admiral as he walked by, who nodded in acknowledgement.

"Shepard," Kaidan grabbed Shepard's arm as she tried to move past him. She bit her lip as she turned to look at him, her expression troubled. "Please, stop avoiding me. We need to talk."

"Major I…" She sighed softly.

"Anvi, please; can we dispense of the formalities?" He chuckled and drew his knuckles over her cheek. "We are past them at this point, anyway."

She smiled slightly with a shake of her head. "Alright, _Kaidan_, what can I do for you?"

"Why have you been avoiding me? And no – don't you say that you haven't been." She frowned and folded her arms across her chest, her teeth nibbling thoughtfully on her lower lip.

"Kaidan…this really isn't the place to discuss it." She sighed softly and dropped her arms. She took his hand and raised it to her lips, brushing soft kisses over his knuckles. "Tonight? Hackett says Anderson isn't doing that well, I would like to go see him. Would you come with me?"

"Of course," he brought her to him and kissed her lips soundly. "But I will be by tonight to get some answers."

* * *

"Shepard…good to see you…" Anderson wheezed when they came to stand at his bedside; his face was haggard, tired, and he looked so weak, his wounds appearing as if they refused to heal. Shepard's heart clenched in her chest, looking at him like this – he had been the closest thing to a father she'd had since hers' had been killed by Batarian slavers on Mindoir. "Alenko…"

"Admiral," Kaidan snapped into a stiff salute.

"Please…at ease, Major…rank means nothing to a dying man." Anderson chuckled, before dissolving into a fit of coughs. After a moment, he fell back on the bed with a heavy wheeze.

"Of course, Anderson."

"You're not dying," Shepard finally said, a frown marring her features.

"Ah, child…every soldier has his time. It won't be…long now…" He reached out and took Shepard's hand, squeezing it weakly. "I…I wanted to tell you…you did good…" he seized up, wheezing, before settling back down for a brief moment. "You did good, child...proud of you…" His hand fell from hers, his whole body going limp as the sensory alarms started; doctors rushed in, shoving her out of the way as they tried their damnedest to resuscitate the Admiral. After what felt like forever, Shepard watching in frozen silence, one of the doctors sighed and shook his head.

"Time of death: 1302."

* * *

Shepard paced the confines of the Captain's Cabin, emotions whirling through her like a violent storm; pain, anxiety, disbelief, uncertainty – all of it was overwhelming. She was usually so good at keeping herself professional and strong, but watching Anderson die was like watching her nightmares come to life. She had turned and left, ignoring Kaidan, found a shuttle back to the Normandy, and locked herself in her cabin. That was at least five or six hours ago. And she knew Kaidan would be there – again – at any moment to finish their talk.

Why did Anderson's death make her feel like she had failed? Was it because it was reminiscent of her nightmare? The one where she had shot him and sat at his side, his hand on hers? And those words – "You did good, Child. I'm proud of you." – were the exact ones he'd whispered to her before he'd died then too.

With a shudder, she sat on the edge of her bed and scrubbed her hands over her tired face. Anderson was a good man…he hadn't deserved to die. She would gladly trade her life for his…no, would have. She couldn't now, not in good conscious, not when…

"Shepard. Major Alenko is requesting admittance to your cabin. Shall I allow him in?" EDI's voice filtered through the comm and Shepard grimaced; it was now or never. And he needed to know – this wasn't something she could keep to herself.

She had been avoiding him and this wasn't something she should be allowed to keep from him, not when it was piled high on top of so much guilt, so much emotion, she already felt for being alive while so many others around them perished. All her life she had survived. This would just have to be one more thing the soldier in her would have to survive…though she inwardly sighed for thinking of it like that.

"Shepard? Is something amiss? Should I send the Major away?"

"Ah, no, sorry EDI. Go ahead and let him in." Shepard leaned back on the bed on her hands, her body tight and wound as her nerves started the get the better of her. Her heart pounded like a jackhammer within her chest as the doors hissed, sliding open, allowing Kaidan to enter her quarters. He looked around for a moment, before he came down the three steps into the main room and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Shepard? Are you okay? You wouldn't let me in earlier after…" he trailed off and she knew he was worried.

"I know…I'm sorry."

He sighed and smiled slightly. "Stop apologizing, Shepard. I think you've done enough of that for a good long while."

"Maybe you're right…" She sighed and leaned her head back, looking out through the skylight window to see the stars twinkling in the vast amount of space around them. "We need to talk Kaidan."

He sighed and folded his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the column beside the sofa. "Great, it's never a good thing when a woman says 'we need to talk'…" he grumbled the words, looking almost sullen.

Shepard's eyes widened – _Good going, Shep. Now he thinks you're breaking up with him. Nice start._

She stood and came toward him, cupping his face in her hands. "It's nothing like that," she chuckled with a soft smile. She brought his head down and kissed his lips, reassuring him that what she had to tell him wouldn't end their relationship.

"You know…" he started as she pulled away, his hands sliding through the dyed strands of her shoulder length, layered hair. "I never did ask why you dyed your hair. And _purple_ of all colors."

She blinked, and then laughed softly, turning her head to press a kiss to the palm of his hand, much like he had on the Citadel when they had decided to start a relationship again. "I was bored – mostly. Even Anderson said I was getting soft around the edges." Her expression fell slightly at the mention of Anderson, his death still so fresh in both of their minds.

"Bored?" He chuckled and shook his head softly, avoiding the topic of their old friend for the moment; it seemed Shepard had enough to think about besides that. "You were always such an odd one when you weren't _Commander Shepard."_

She smirked, "is that such a bad thing?"

"Of course not, I love you, Anvi. For everything that you are, have been, and will be." They kissed again, sweetly, softly, but she pulled away before it became more than that.

"Kaidan…"

"Well, you said we needed to talk. What is it, Anvi? Why have you been avoiding me?" He wrapped her up in his arms and she listened to his heart beating beneath her ear; strong, rapid…alive. He was alive. She was alive. It was more than she could have ever hoped for, but she had no idea how he would react to this.

"Kaidan, I love you. I never stopped. I longed for you every moment we were separated and even after Horizon, I couldn't let you go." She sighed softly and lifted her head, putting her fingertips against his lips when he moved to say something. "I…we just figured things out. After all these years, we are finally…well, you know. I wasn't sure how you would react…so I have avoided telling you…or well, avoided _you._"

"Anvi?" He was staring at her, almost confused now.

"That night two weeks ago, Kaidan…" She blushed slightly and bit her lip, looking away. Again her heart was beginning a frantic pace as anxiety worked its way through her, pumping adrenaline into her blood; it was strange how a moment like this was almost akin to battle, her body trembling but her blood pumping and mind racing with all the possible outcomes. "I wasn't feeling well after that…I thought it had something to do with my injuries…that maybe, we hadn't waited long enough…so I went to see Dr. Chakwas…and well, she told me…"

"Told you what?" His brows dropped and he gripped her hands tightly now. "Is something wrong?"

She was quiet for what seemed like forever. Eyes intently looking into his own as if to predict his reaction; the feeling felt much like when she practiced sniping – anxious yet excited, and nervous, all at the same time. The last thing she wanted was to push him away; never again. "Kaidan…I'm pregnant."

* * *

**A/N: **Parts of this chapter and the last scene were taken from the original, though it was reworked and redone to fit the new plot layout/changes. Reviews are by far appreciated! ^_^


	3. Content for a Moment

**A/N: **Thank you for continued reviews, alerts, favorites; it means so much to me! This chapter is a bit changed, here and there, details to fit the new story-line.

Disclaimer: Bioware.

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Three – Content for a Moment**

* * *

Shepard _might _have laughed, if this weren't such a serious revelation. Kaidan hadn't moved for a good ten minutes, eyes locked on her face, expression curiously blank. Vaguely she wondered if he thought she was messing with him; his grip on her hands made the thought leave as quickly as it had come.

"You, uh, okay there, Alenko?"

He blinked. Once, then twice, then his dark eyebrows dropped over his eyes and his lips pressed together tightly. He was either intensely confused, or angry. She preferred the former, rather than the latter.

"Kaidan?" Now the indomitable Commander's hands were shaking, pressed where they were so tightly against his chest. It wasn't often Shepard felt this way. She had always been tough, using each loss to strengthen her resolve that she would not allow another if there was _any _way to avoid it. Yet in the face of Kaidan's possible rejection of the matter at hand, she was afraid.

"I…uh…" She realized now, that his hands were trembling as well. "I mean, how? I thought…with the implants…I mean, you died, didn't you? And we _were_ using protection…" he trailed off for a moment, thinking, she figured, much too intently. She wanted to reach up and smooth the furrowing lines between his eyebrows. "Except…except for that one night…"

_Now_ she laughed. Or, chuckled. Something like it. Her head dropped and her shoulders shook.

"Hey, hey, hey now. What are you laughing at, Commander?" Kaidan found himself chuckling with her, before wrapping his arms around her and holding her. They spent the moment working through the odd amusement before they subsided. "It's, uh, reasonable I am a tad lost here. We didn't think you _could_ get pregnant, even if we forgot about contraceptives."

She smirked and nodded, pulling back and moving to the couch, Kaidan following with her because he refused to let go of her hand. They sat and he brushed his fingers over her hands, his touch always so soothing. It helped her forget how close she'd come to dying, _again_, how close they both had come to dying. Each of them sported a number of scars received upon nearly being decimated by Harbinger's beam. It was too bad the Alliance had taken out the upgrade to the med bay of the Normandy that she had used to heal her scars; not that she minded a few scars. Kaidan said they were…endearing.

"Anvi…is this for real?" He finally broke her contemplative silence. There was that voice again, uncertain, weary. She hated bringing that voice out in him, but by hearing it, she knew he cared. She owed him everything, her friends, everything. They had saved her…it was a strange concept for someone to save her. She had been doing the saving for so long. If they hadn't dug her out from the rubble, there was no doubt in her mind she would have died; no – she had died. Kaidan had made sure she'd come back.

Shepard bit her lip, an action unseen in the normally strong soldier. Softly, she nodded, looking down at their hands.

"How?"

"Well, besides the obvious, Major Alenko," she teased with a chuckle.

"Heh, yeah, besides that." Was he blushing? She did love to do that.

"You remember meeting Miranda Lawson?"

"The ex-Cerberus operative at Sanctuary?"

"Yep." Shepard smiled faintly. "She led the Lazarus Project. She was in charge of…reviving me."

He squeezed her hand and gripped the back of her neck with his free hand, pulling her to lie against him. He knew what speaking of this brought up in Shepard, and in him. It reminded him that she had actually died. Brain dead. Clinically and really, dead. He hadn't been able to accept it, not until they had seen the footage of the Project logs at Cerberus HQ. The lab scientist had said it would be impossible to bring her back; Miranda Lawson had been brought it for that very reason, _she _was certain she could bring Shepard back. And she had. "I remember," he said lowly, "I just…I am sorry, Anvi, that I didn't believe you."

"I'm a reasonable person, Kaidan. I forgave you long ago." She smiled and rested against him. "Miranda, she had been trying to…have a baby. I didn't find out until I saw extranet activity that had been logged in the Shadow Broker's archives. But because of her father genetically producing her, she was unable. After we saw the logs of my revival at the Illusive Man's base, I had so many questions I had never considered before."

"You said _'for all I know, I am a VI who thinks she is Commander Shepard'_." He kissed her brow and sighed softly. "I know who you are, Anvi. Yeah, maybe at first I thought you weren't really Shepard, and Cerberus had constructed some AI who only _looked_ like you, but throughout all this, I realized my mistrust was misplaced. I trusted you, but I didn't trust Cerberus. I was stupid to mix that up. Kind of hard to doubt you when you told the Illusive Man to shove his ideals where the sun don't shine."

Shepard snorted. "_Anyway_ – the comm link in London…it was the last time I thought I would speak to her…to any of you." His hold tightened and he trembled slightly. "I wanted some questions about my revival answered…" She shrugged slightly, glancing off to look at her old N7 helmet on the secondary desk that she had retrieved from the original Normandy's crash site. The site where she had died. "I wanted to know if I was really me. If I was really _human_. If I was going to die, I just…I wanted to know, ya know?"

"I'm guessing she told you everything?"

She nodded briefly, sitting up away from him and leaning back against the sofa with her arms folded across her chest. Kaidan kept a hand on her knee, leaning back with her. "The cybernetics were extensive. The Illusive Man was growing impatient with my 'natural' recovery; and he was adamant about no control chip, despite Miranda's suggestion. I was mad about that, until she told me the rest. She wanted me to listen, to help the human colonies disappearing, and they knew I was the only one who could do it. That's why Cerberus spent so much time and money putting me back together. Ah, Jacob said I was meat and tubes for the longest time. I hadn't even fully healed when I had to be awakened." She shook her head softly, getting a little lost in the memory. "Getting a little off track here; Among Miranda's confession of the Project's details she said _'if you weren't really human, Shepard, how could you have a child?'_ It baffled me; I hadn't even…considered that as a possibility after what happened to me. With more pressing matters, I didn't ask for an elaboration."

"Yeah, uh, that's understandable." He was following along so far, but it was still surreal. Shepard, pregnant? With his child? It wasn't a bad thing. Hell, he wanted to spend his life with her, children included. He just didn't expect…that it was possible. With the Reapers gone, it astounded him how much he _really did _want this.

"After Chakwas told me…I went to EDI. Told her about what Miranda said. She helped me look up files uploaded from Cerberus HQ." Shepard rubbed the back of her head slightly, and looked away, as if ashamed. "That's, uh, why she kept telling you I was in the War Room. Most of the time I was, but we were looking up files other times. Apparently, Miranda's inability to have a child made her feel like, that if it were possible, she should avoid that happening to me. The project took so long because she refused to use any cybernetics to heal my reproductive organs." She sighed and glanced back at him. "I wanted to thank her but…she hasn't reported in since the final assault. The comm link was the last time I spoke to her."

Kaidan was quiet for a few minutes when she finished, before he simply reached out his hand and placed it on her abdomen. His warm gaze remained there for a brief moment, before they lifted to her face. She watched him, watched as the curious expression gave way to a heartwarming grin. One she hadn't seen nearly enough. "This is for real then, huh?" Did he sound excited?

"Heh, yea, it's for real, Alenko." She leaned forward and kissed his lips softly, with his hand resting just over where their baby was forming in her body.

"Well, then I guess I should be asking you to marry me then, Commander."

Shepard's eyes widened as she leaned back. His free hand came up to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing softly over her lips. "Tell me you'll marry me, Anvi."

"But Kaidan – "

"Shh." He kissed her softly. Then harder, more passionately, their lips meshed and parting to let their tongues explore. They dueled their sensuous dance until they felt the need to come up for air, parting with adamant reluctance. "Be my wife, Anvi. I love you. I have always loved you. Sure, I can be an idiot at time – what with all the times I have shoved my foot down my throat – but I want nothing more than to be at your side forever. I meant it, you know, when I said I couldn't lose you again. Once was more than enough for me to see what you really mean to me. And, if you recall, I refused to let it happen the second time." He grinned again. "Don't make me pull rank on you, Commander. Hero of the Galaxy or not, I do technically outrank you."

"Ooo, sounds like fun." She chuckled and pulled him back for another kiss. When she pulled back she breathed a simple "yes, Kaidan."

Now she could have sworn he was grinning from ear to ear. "Yes?"

"I said yes, you idiot." She jibed him playfully, finding his grin contagious. "Buuuuut, just so you know, you won't outrank me for long."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, didn't you know? Hero of the Galaxy always comes with a promotion." She laughed softly, and so did he as he tumbled her onto her back, nuzzling her neck with his lips. A content sigh followed as they remained tangled together, Kaidan's hand on her belly and his ear pressed to her chest where he listened to her heartbeat; strong, vibrant…alive.

* * *

**A/N: **I kept this chapter the original length, so it's a bit shorter than the others, even with the bits of changes. ALSO, according to the Mass Effect Wiki and in game info – which I looked at extensively – it is never specified what Commander rank Shepard is(lt. commander, or staff commander). Major outranks both of those; the only reason Kaidan follows order from Shepard is because as the head of the Normandy, and as a Spectre, she outranks him, at least until he became a Spectre as well. On her ship and on her team, she is in charge. Otherwise… I enjoy rank banter. XD


	4. Reawakened

**A/N**: Not a whole lot of changes went into this chapter. I liked it for what it was and really couldn't bring myself to change anything that wasn't necessary. Thank you again for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites, and to those of you who've transferred from the old fic and given this one a chance!

Disclaimer: Bioware

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Four – Reawakened**

* * *

"I lost many good people, no, not people, friends – I lost many good friends to this damned war. I went into this knowing I was not going to let the Reapers win. To me, and all of you, that wasn't an option. I didn't expect to come out of this alive, I would have gladly given my life to save our home and to save the many soldiers – our family, friends, and comrades – that have been lost." Shepard sucked in a breath, trying not to let her voice break with the emotions welling up inside of her. She was tough, sure, but she was still human and she had lost good friends. It was a wonder, really, that she hadn't broken yet. Her eyes darted to where Kaidan stood, amongst her crew, just in front of where she stood to address the hundreds of soldiers gathered; if it hadn't been for Kaidan, she was sure she would have by now.

"Ashley Williams gave her life on Virmire to help me stop Saren. Mordin Sollus gave his life to bring the Krogans hope, to give them a future, and to help us in this war. Thane…Thane Krios," she swallowed thickly, "who used to be no more than an assassin, gave his life on the Citadel to keep Cerberus from killing the Council. Legion, while no more than a machine to some, was a friend to me and he gave his life to give the Geth a future, the Quarians a future, and to help us bring down the Reapers who controlled his people. I ask for a moment to remember them, and all the rest of those we've lost." Shepard bowed her head and sighed softly. She could hear some crying from some of the soldiers and, while she felt the need to cry, she knew she had it to hold it together. They needed someone to lean on, someone to look up to, and they had chosen her.

After a moment, she raised her gaze. "Many of you lost your families when the Reapers came, but I while, fortunate or unfortunate, was raised on Mindoir. I lost my family many, many years ago. I was picked up by a passing Alliance Squad…who was led by one David Anderson." She grew quiet for a moment, tears effectively beginning to show in her eyes as she looked out over her fellow soldiers. "He grew to become like a father to me; hard, stern, made you want to give it your all or die trying. I joined the Alliance because of him, graduated as an N7 Marine because of him, became the first human Spectre because of him. He kept faith in me, no matter what. He helped me escape Earth when the Reapers hit, stayed behind and told me to get my ass out there and unite the Galaxy, because if we were going to win this war, we would need everyone." She chuckled, though it was weak, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I gladly stormed through London at his side, while many soldiers gave their lives to get my squad and I to the Conduit Beam. I fell at the hands of Harbringer's beam, as many of us did. The last…the last thing he said to me was _'You did good child. I'm proud of you._' I…" She had to stop for a moment, her chest tight as she fought to hold back a sob. Whether or not it had been her fault that Anderson died, she couldn't help but feel slightly guilty; there should have been a way to be more prepared, a way that she could have saved him, as he had saved her. She couldn't help but feel maybe she had failed him. All of them.

She lifted a hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks, and when she lowered it, she stood straight and smiled faintly. "We may have freed ourselves from the Reaper threat, but I would _never _have been able to do any of this, if it hadn't been for Anderson. I want us all to remember him, as I will. As soldiers we know that war never comes without casualties, but we will never forget them, just as we know that we will never forget our alien comrades, and just as we know that we will _never forget_ that we stood up to the Reapers without fear, without reserve, and that we came out victorious!"

The gathered soldiers cried out in agreement, whooping, rolling with exuberant force. Even her crew, especially James, gave in. Shepard smiled and nodded. "So even as I stand here, accepting this rank of Admiral, I would never have made it this far without all of you! Without every soldier, every friend, and every single person – human or not – that laid down their lives! Don't celebrate me, celebrate yourselves, and remember those who got us this far!"

* * *

"You did good, Lola!" James exclaimed, clapping her shoulder in a friendly gesture. The ceremony had gone well enough, and even as the Alliance soldiers returned to duties, Shepard and her crew remained behind.

Garrus folded his arms and nodded, his mandibles fluttering. "Always been good with the speeches."

Shepard patted James' hand and grinned; he had always been one she liked to have around. Reminded her of the old days, when she had been a recruit. He reminded her of Jenkins, the first soldier she had lost after this war had really started, back on Eden Prime. And Kaidan smiled, though he stayed back to allow their friends to, well, fawn over her. She may be the woman he loved, but they all loved her in some way – how could they not?

"Good or not, this speech was a little more personal than what I was used to." She chuckled and shook her head, folding her arms across her chest. "_And_, while I may have accepted the promotion, I am _so _overdue for a vacation."

Liara smiled. "I do remember you saying something about 'an early retirement'," her Asari friend with a gentle laugh.

"Keelah, I'd like to know how the Admiral got you to agree; not many can change your mind once it's set on something," Tali teased as she poked at Shepard's arm. "You didn't even want a promotion to begin with, if I recall."

Shepard sniffed. "Underhanded tactics, I swear. Said 'It's what Anderson would have wanted'."

"Not that I expect you to stay on the sidelines," Garrus nearly scoffed at the thought, making Shepard smile. "But he was right, to say that's what Anderson would have wanted for you."

"True, but a good friend of mine once told me 'there is a time when one must rest from war and conflict'."

Kaidan saw that sad smile on her face; the mention of Thane always brought it. He'd met the Drell, when he had been in the ICU at Huerta Memorial on the Citadel. "Thane's right, Shepard," he stepped forward and took her hand, kissing her palm. Shepard's smile changed, sliding into a more relaxed set. "He was a good friend, I know you miss him."

"Thank you, Kaidan." She whispered sadly.

"They were all good friends," Garrus' sigh followed. "We have all lost too many to the damn Reapers." He grunted and chuckled then. "But at least we got to send them to hell and are still standing. Heroes now, the lot of us."

"Ugh," Shepard laughed softly and rolled her eyes. "I do remember saying we might damn well be respectable now."

"That you did, Shepard that you did."

"Nothing wrong with respectable, Lola," James grinned, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"We all know Shepard likes to be in the thick of it," Liara sighed. "As much as it tends to shave years off our lifespans."

"Complain more, why don't you?" Shepard snorted, though she had a big grin on her face; she had missed times like these, where she could just sit and relax with her team, her friends. The moments had always been rare. To think they would soon separate made her heart ache, but she knew it had to be. Their worlds needed them, just as Earth needed her. "Garrus, Tali, Liara; I want you to know that should you ever need me, I am here for you. All these years…it has been an honor to serve by your sides. I owe you everything."

"_Keelah_, Shepard. Enough with the speeches – you know we will never be more than a message away," Tali said with a chuckle, opening her omni tool to send Shepard her extranet contact information. Garrus soon followed suit.

Liara smiled. "You know how to get ahold of me."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered briefly as he stepped forward, taking Shepard from Kaidan long enough to give her a brief embrace before releasing her. "I'd stay if I could, but Palaven is in just as rough shape as Earth." Shepard nodded, a brief moment of silence passing between the two; Kaidan might have been jealous, but he knew what Garrus meant to Shepard, that he was the closest thing she had had to a best friend her entire life.

"Remember Garrus, you don't go to that bar before me."

"Wouldn't even dream of it, Shepard."

Shepard turned her gaze to Liara and Tali, and even glanced at James, though he would be staying on Earth with the rest of the human crew. "That goes for all you."

"Got it, Lola."

"As you say, Shepard."

"I'm likely to live a lot longer than you, Shepard, so I am saying it to you. _You _don't get to go before us, either." Liara smiled and embraced her as well, Garrus stepping back to allow the Asari to do so.

Kaidan laughed softly. "So that's the plan then – we'll all meet up at the same time."

"Sounds good to me!" James punched Kaidan in the shoulder and grinned. "Don't you dare say it don't sound good to you."

"Wouldn't dream of it," he mumbled with an answered smile. He had to admit it – he'd miss them too.

* * *

Kaidan stood with Shepard as she looked out over the Earth from the Observation deck; this was the room he had made his home when he rejoined the Normandy crew. He had done the same thing, leaning against the hull and staring out the window. He did it when he wanted to think. And he had, often. About the Reapers, about Shepard, about becoming a Spectre, his students, everyone back on Earth; his mind had felt like a whirlwind for so long and it was a strange feeling to be so…calm.

"What's on your mind?" Kaidan asked softly, rubbing his palm reassuringly over her back.

"A lot, really." She sighed softly and turned her head enough to give him a brief smile. "I only accepted being Admiral because of Hackett; he was right, I think Anderson would have wanted it."

He pulled her into his side by sliding his arm around her slim waist; she had lost weight, he noticed, over the weeks since the Reaper invasion. The Galaxy had depended on her, but they would be foolish to think all of this hadn't affected her. "Anderson would have said he was proud of you, Shepard. He already was. He spoke of you often, and he always had your back. He trusted you when…others didn't."

"Thank you, Kaidan." She sighed again, but this time with a smile. "He'd freak you know."

"About?"

"The baby."

Kaidan laughed softly, nodding. "Yeah, you are probably right about that."

They stood in a comfortable silence, Shepard leaning her head against his shoulder. The Earth lay before them, scarred and hurt, but whole. It had faced the apocalypse, and stood strong in the face of annihilation. As did its people. Never before did Kaidan feel so proud to be human than in this moment.

"Have we heard anything about the others yet?" Shepard finally asked softly, uncertainly, as if she were afraid of the answer.

"Grunt made it back to Tuchanka with Wrex; like I expected the Reapers to take him down." Kaidan chuckled and shook his head. "Jacob reported in, as did Jack, Kasumi, and Samara. Cortez was found in the wreckage of the Kodiak shuttle; he is in the temporary ICU, but is doing much better. We could see him soon if you like."

"Maybe…" She swallowed; even though Kaidan has reassured her that Cortez was faring better, but she wasn't ready to see someone she cared for die in front of her again. Anderson's was so fresh as it was, as were all the others. "So…no Zaeed, or Miranda." Shepard had never really gotten along with the mercenary Cerberus had paid to help them; they conflicted too often about priorities. She didn't like to think he'd died though.

"Yet, Shepard. Yet."

"It's been a week since we kicked the Reaper's ass, Kaidan."

"Miranda was running before, wasn't she? I don't expect her to report into the Alliance, even after."

"True…she could be afraid they would arrest her for being Ex-Cerberus, even now."

Kaidan turned her and cupped her face in his hands, kissing her softly. "As much as you would like them to be, not everyone is as forgiving as you. _Or_ as understanding."

"Thank you, I just…I don't want to have to acknowledge even more casualties to the damn Reapers. They have taken more than enough from all of us."

Kaidan slid a hand down to her abdomen and kissed her again, lingering a moment before looking into her eyes intensely. Seriously. "They didn't take everything, Shepard. There is still hope for us, for everyone. Because of you."

She shook her head. "Because of all of us, not just me. I wouldn't even be here if it hadn't been for you and the others."

"Damn good thing we did. I wasn't about to lose you. And I'm not about to lose her either," he murmured, stroking a hand gently over her abdomen.

Shepard smiled. "Her?"

"Like you would allow her to anything other than a girl." Kaidan chuckled.

"True, boys are stupid."

"Hey-hey-hey, Admiral. Better not say that to your men."

"Nope, only to you." She jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow, sticking her tongue out at him, before she turned and walked toward the door. It hissed and opened to allow her to pass. She stopped in the entry way and turned back to look at him over her shoulder. "You coming, Alenko?"

He folded his arms across his chest and smirked at her. "Where to?"

"Oh you know. Just up to my room for a quick drink."

"Right behind you." He grinned.

* * *

Shepard lay in Kaidan's arms long after he'd fallen asleep. Not that she could blame him. She felt as worn out as he, and her impromptu suggestion to jump each other hadn't helped. Not that she was complaining. Making love with Kaidan was something she could and would never pass up on; he made her feel whole and like the most beautiful woman in the Galaxy, despite her scars and flaws. He made her feel safe, despite how unsafe the Galaxy really was. Even now she was afraid to sleep, knowing the nightmares that plagued her were so close at hand.

She sighed and laid her head against his chest, just listening to his heart beat and thanking god that this was real. That they were both alive and not dead at the hands of the Reapers. Before long, the weariness took its toll, his thumping heart lulling her to sleep, red lashes falling as her eyes closed.

'_There is a time when one must rest from war and conflict, Siha. It is not your time but it is mine.'_

_She was running, through the body infested halls of the citadel she had __**sworn**__ she's seen, the corpses piled higher than she remembered. It was dark and she felt like she was running blindly, though that faint light so far in front of her kept her moving. _

'_You were a great protector, Siha, but even some things are beyond you.'_

_Thane was here? She kept running. Maybe it wasn't too late after all, maybe she could save him. Just keep moving, one foot after the other. _

'_You did good, child. You did good. I'm proud of you.' _

'_I'm sorry Shepard-Commander, it is the only way.'_

"_I tried to save you! I tried!" Shepard cried out in the darkness, her voice echoing far and only returning to be heard by her. _

'_You know it's the right choice, LT. It was an honor serving with you, Commander.'_

_Shadows moved around Shepard as she raced toward the light, her hands slapping over her ears; she wanted to listen, knowing this was the only time she would hear their voices, but it was so painful. __**I failed them.**_

'_No, Siha.'_

_Suddenly she through the light and stumbling onto a beach, her feet bare so that the sand meshed between her toes. The sea air brushed by air, the smell tickling at her senses. The sun was setting just behind the horizon, illuminating the sky in a brilliant orange-yellow haze. The blue-green water lapped at the sand's edge and as she focused she saw a figure clad in black standing there, at the edge, back to her. As she slowly approached, it turned and as she stopped a mere few feet away, she realized she was standing face to face with Thane._

'_Thane…'_

'_You need to stop blaming yourself for our deaths, Siha.' He stood with his hands clasped behind his back, as he often did when they spoke. Even that simple characteristic gesture she found she missed. _

'_I failed you, Thane.' Shepard cried, covering her face with her hands as the sobs she had been holding back came out in full force. 'I failed you all.'_

'_No matter how much you want to save us all, you know you can't. That is no reason to put such blame and despair upon yourself.'_

_Shepard continued to cry, falling to her knees in the sand. She had been holding it back for so long that she couldn't swallow the sobs as they wracked her body. She had been strong for so long and in the face of her failures, she couldn't be strong. She needed a moment of weakness. Thane came toward her, kneeling at her side and grasping her chin to tilt her face up toward his. Her face was tear stained, in blood red tears, almost physical torment, her silver-blue eyes anguished. _

'_Listen well, Siha. I am at peace.' He wiped the tears from her cheeks with his knuckles. 'We all gave our lives to protect you, to keep you alive. We all wanted to help you. We are at peace, Siha. We love you, all of us – we would gladly lay our lives down again if it came to that.'_

'_But…'_

'_No, don't, Siha. Do one last thing for us, for me?' Shepard swallowed thickly and nodded. 'Live, Shepard, live. Live your life. Don't wallow in despair and let yourself die.'_

_Shepard stared up into face, memorizing every detail and, as she did so, the others came down to stand beside Thane's kneeling frame. Ashley, Legion, Mordin, Anderson. Her friends, her family – the ones whose deaths had affected her so badly. Even Jenkins was there, way in the back, laughing excitedly as he splashed through the water._

'_You are strong, Commander. You can do it.' Ashley grinned. _

'_Impractical to mourn so for us.' Mordin nodded. 'You live, you are alive. You should live. More pressing things to attend to.'_

'_Shepard-Commander, you will always be a friend to us.'_

'_You did good, Shepard. You will continue to make me proud, I know it.' Anderson said with a smile._

_Shepard nodded, more blood red tears rolling down her pale cheeks. She couldn't help but laugh softly as Jenkins whooped, throwing a fist into the air._

'_You see, Siha? We are fine. Do not worry so.' Thane smiled. 'Forgive me.' He leaned down, keeping hold of her chin and pressed a kiss to her lips. 'Call it a dying man's final wish,' he chuckled as he drew back, standing with the others. As she watched them walk into the sea, Shepard's tears faded and she felt strangely at peace as they disappeared beneath the rolling waves. _

'_Thank you…' she whispered._

"Shepard, Shepard!" Her eyes fluttered open to see Kaidan leaning over, his amber eyes worried as they looked down at her. "Are you okay?"

Shepard smiled softly and cupped his cheek with her hand. "Yeah, I think I am."

* * *

**A/N: **Shepard did skip ranks, but with having led and gathered the forces that defeated the Reapers, I assumed they would have given her the highest rank they could. In my belief, Hackett would have seen her as an equal and thus made her as such. ^.^


	5. A Return to the Beginning

**A/N: **This is where the story has some massive changes; since the Citadel was destroyed, I have had to rework some things. One of the chapters is being cut, almost entirely. So if this seems very different, that's why – for those of you new to the story, I hope you are continuing to enjoy this. Again, thank you all for your kind reviews. This was also why the update took a while, so my apologies for the delay.

Disclaimer: Bioware.

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Five – A Return to the Beginning**

* * *

When Shepard woke, it surprised her to see that Kaidan had his chin propped in his hand, resting on his elbow, watching her. "Uh, hi there." She grinned a bit.

"Hey." He smiled and cupped her cheek in his hand, leaning down to kiss her softly, briefly. Too briefly.

"Not that I am complaining, mind you – and really, I'm not – but can I ask why you are watching me sleep?" She chuckled against his lips.

"Oh sure, complaining that I watch you sleet, what with your habit of sneaking out of bed while I am still out cold." He kidded. "How about, a question for a question? You answer mine, I answer yours."

Though the conversation seemed lighthearted enough, Shepard was a bit wary; as a soldier, it was imperative she always knew the perimeters of her mission. The two of them had only been back together for a number of weeks and, she knew Kaidan. Sometimes, as much as she loved him, he could be a little too stubborn and focused too much on the past. It had taken several intimate talks to prove to him she was no longer with Cerberus, and yet they had still been in a standoff, with guns pointed at each other. It had taken a long time for him to come around, but at least he had. She just hated that it had to turn to that for her to prove herself to him.

"Alright, I'll play along. Shoot." She turned on her side facing him and propped herself up on her elbow.

The corner of his lips twitched, as if he were suppressing one of those smirks she'd come to adore. Shame. "Well, just wondering; why haven't you told anyone else about the baby?" He asked it quietly, his own eyes suddenly becoming a bit wary. Like she might reach out and pluck his heart from his chest by saying she something that might insinuate that she didn't want this baby.

"Ah, Kaidan." She sighed softly and turned away, sitting up on the bed and bracing her elbows against her drawn up knees. Her hand was raked through her dyed hair. "I just, follow with me because it sounds a bit ridiculous, even to me, and we both know I have dealt with a lot of bullshit." He cocked a brow, chuckling, and nodded. "If I tell everyone, accept it, thrive with it – I will jinx it."

"How do you figure?"

"Kaidan…After Sovereign, I decided to accept our relationship." She sighed softly and pinched the bridge of her nose. "That day I…that day the Normandy was destroyed…I was going to tell you I love you." Dropping her hand, she smiled faintly at him, brushing the back of her fingers across his cheek. His gaze had darkened, and she could see the anguish in his eyes at her admission; she regretted now that she hadn't the courage to tell him before that fateful day, that had driven some much between them. She dropped her hand but he grasped it in his free one, not wanting to sever their connection in a moment like this. "I am afraid if I am going to jinx this…jinx our baby…if I acknowledge it by spreading the news."

Kaidan smiled and sat up, framing her face with his hands and pulling her lips to his. He kissed her for a long moment, soft and gentle manipulations of his lips over hers, before he pressed harder. Tongue darted out to sweep over her lips, parting them as she moaned a little noise that lit his soul on fire. They dueled their tongues in a dance all too achingly familiar, basking in the ability to be like this, given how close they had been to losing everything.

Slowly, he pulled back, looking intensely into her silver-blue eyes. "Shepard, you know why I watch you when you sleep? I do it because I fear if I may wake, to find this nothing but a dream and that you are still gone." His eyes took on that anguished look that made her heart ache. "I died when you died, Shepard. Living without you…it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was a fool for taking my pain out on you on Horizon and for not believing you had the best intentions working with Cerberus. I should have known I knew you better than that. I never should have turned my back on you." He shook his head slightly, frowning. "It took me a long time to come around, and I am sorry for that." He kissed her softly. "I watch you sleep because I _can_."

They melted into each other, intent on capturing moments they had lost, but the comm fired up, both groaning as they were forced to part.

"Admiral Hackett is on the vid comm for you, Shepard," EDI informed them. Shepard sighed as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, slipping into her fatigues as she headed up toward her alcove at the top of the small set of stairs.

"Duty calls," she teased. "Put him through to my quarters, EDI."

"Of course."

The holo screen flared to life, laying over her model ships. Admiral Hackett saluted her and she returned the action respectively. "Admiral Shepard."

"Not sure I will ever get used to hearing that," she chuckled as she eased her military stance. "I think I preferred Commander."

"It'll grow on you," Hackett assured, a smile tugging at the edge of his scarred lips.

"How can I help you, Admiral?"

"Something important has arisen and, given its…sensitivity, I'd like to speak to you in person about the details."

"Of course."

"0600 tomorrow. Hackett out." The comm link faded, the screen disappearing so that she could see Kaidan through the glass window holding up her models. He looked pensive, brows drawn down over his amber gaze; she dared to think he looked worried.

"Kaidan?"

"I don't like it."

She found herself smiling in spite of his tone. Bare feet carried her back to the bed where she sat beside him and cupped his face as she spent a moment caressing his lips with her own. He didn't fight her, instead leaned into her as he slid his fingers into her hair. The kiss was soft, loving, one of the gentlest they shared to date and it seeped its way inside her, curled around her heart, and warmed her pleasantly. Despite everything they had been through since her death, she was irreversibly in love with him.

"What don't you like, Kaidan?" She whispered softly as she drew her lips away.

"No doubt this is about a mission," he actually sighed as he caressed the curve of her cheek with his thumb. "I know you're a soldier, we both are, but I don't want you in danger given your condition."

She shook her head with a smile. Almost a slightly exasperated one. "I know how to take care of myself, Kaidan. Granted, I have never been pregnant but it doesn't automatically mean I am made of glass." He moved to say something, but she pressed a finger to his lips. "We'll find a balance, but for now, there are things to be done."

* * *

_The smoke curled in the air, wafting high above the small colony settled on Mindoir as screams followed in its wake. Batarians charged through the buildings of her home, shooting down everyone she had ever known and come to care for, or dragging off those they hadn't shot, kicking and screaming, crying and pleading. Shepard trembled, her mother pushing her down behind the crates of the storage shelter they were in. Her father reloaded his pistol and peeked around the corner, eyes locked on the broken door, seeing glimpses of the running colonists as they tried to flee from the Batarians. _

"_Stay down," her father said so low she barely caught it as he turned back to them, back pressed to the crate._

"_We have to get her out of here," her mother whispered back._

"_There might not be a way out. We don't know how many Batarians are raiding the colony." Her father pinched the bridge of his nose, something he often did when he was trying very hard to think. Shepard stared at her parents, grasping tightly at her mother's arm, whole body trembling; this wasn't supposed to be happening. She was only sixteen. This was a farmer colony – it had always been peaceful, they had never bothered or disturbed anyone. Why?_

"_I…I am not leaving without you…" she tried to say with conviction, though her voice wavered. _

_Her father's steel blue eyes were on her in an instant. His hand reached out to grasp her shoulder firmly as he met her scared gaze. "Anvi, listen to me. I will do everything in my power to get us all out of here safely, but you and your mother come first."_

"_Dad…I –" he shook his head and she bit her lip, nodding faintly. _

"_Anvi, I never wanted this for you." Her father sighed and pulled another pistol from his belt, pressing it into her trembling hand. "You must do whatever it takes to survive. You're a Shepard – you can do this." He paused, eyes on the gun he'd placed in her hand, before they moved to her frightened young face. "I know I…don't say this a lot, Anvi…I'm proud of you, and I love you."_

"_Dad, I –" he shook his head. "I love you too…"_

_Her father and mother embraced. Shepard's heart raced, her short auburn hair sticking to her pale, perspiring face. The gun felt odd in her trembling hand. When her father released her mother, he turned his gaze back to her. "Anvi – you know what you have to do. Even if the Alliance gets the Distress beacon, there is no guarantee they will arrive in time. We have no idea how many Batarians are in the Colony, or in the surrounding area. Get to the holding area and you lock yourself in there until help arrives."_

"_Dad, I can't…"_

"_Anvi Shepard! Do I make myself clear?" _

_Shepard swallowed, tears rolling down her cheeks; she was a child, sure, but she knew what this was. Her father was saying goodbye. There was a good chance she would never see him again. Lips tensely pressed together, she nodded and gripped the pistol rightly in her hand. _

"_As __**soon**__ as I catch their attention, you and your mother go, do I make myself clear?" Again, she nodded. He gave them one last lingering gaze, sadness etched into the lines of his face and the hue of his eyes, before he moved around the crate and left her line of sight; it all seemed so surreal. It felt like just yesterday he was carrying a squealing little girl on his shoulders, laughing excitedly about some meaningless discovery they'd made. Shots rang out and her mother grabbed her free hand, yanking her, making her stumble out of their hiding spot. Her father had gone through the doors and was now firing at the Batarians from behind a rather impromptu barricade. He caught her gaze. "GO!" he mouthed, and then her mother was dragging her. They turned and bolted, running through the shelter into an adjacent home where more bodies laid strewn about. They kept moving, Batarians outside paying them no heed as they focused on the civilian firing at them, at least until they came to the main crossover bridge that led to the holding shelter. _

_A Batarian had more eyes, Shepard realized; this was her first time ever actually seeing one. Four eyes had caught a flash of their clothing as they tried to make a dash across the bridge, and the Batarian turned, shouting orders to the others just beside him. Her father way at the end of the way saw what had happened and began to fire in earnest, trying to draw their attention away from Shepard and her mother as they ran. Two Batarians broke away from the unit and came after them; Shepard tried not to panic – they were going to make it out of this, they had to._

_When the Batarians appeared at the end of the bridge, running toward them, Shepard's mother tore the pistol from her hand and shoved her. "GO! Get inside now! Use the emergency codes we taught you!" She turned to the aliens and fired, wounding one but only pissing off the other. _

"_Mom!"_

"_ANVI GO NOW!" She shoved her again, making her tumble through the doors of the building just behind them. "I love you, Anvi. Be safe." And with that she slammed her hand on the door controls and sealed Shepard inside. She could hear the pistol firing at the door and she knew that her mother was blasting out the controls so she couldn't open them. Shepard pounded on the door, crying out her mother's name, broken sobs wracking her body as she heard her mother's scream fade away as no doubt the two Batarians dragged her away to do god knows what to her. _

_She had to go, she had to go – the thought kept replaying through her head, it's what her parents wanted. Stumbling over her feet, she moved to the wall panel and uncovered a hidden console that she punched a number code into. The wall panel fell shut and the floor slid open, revealing a stair case that led beneath the shack. Still crying, she made her way down the stairs and through the door once it opened to allow her through; the floor panel slid shut, disguising the hidden entryway as no more than the shack's floor. The lights in the room flickered on and she hit the button, the door hissing shut behind her as she stumbled to the control console. Trembling fingers flew over the keypad, punching in the emergency codes that her parents had taught her; it would send out a distress beacon with codes only the Alliance had ciphers to, and lock the panel for entry to anyone who didn't have the code the message contained. _

_Sliding to the floor, she curled up and held herself as the only life she had ever known, crumbled to ruins around her._

* * *

Shepard shot up in her bed, her body drenched in sweat, the sheets clinging to her pale skin. Her stomach rolled in protest to the dream, the smell of burning flesh something she never liked to recall. She felt sick. Her throat started to burn and she knew without a doubt what was coming next; swinging her legs over the edge, she stumbled to her feet and bolted to her bathroom. She knelt beside the toilet and gripped the floor as she proceeded to empty her stomach of the meager dinner she'd had only hours before. She sat for a minute, taking a deep breath to steady her trembling body.

"Shall I call doctor Chakwas for you, Shepard?" EDI offered through the comm.

"Nah, I'm okay. It's…normal," she said after a moment, realizing that it was – it just wasn't the dream, it came with her condition. Maybe that's why she had dreamt of Mindoir…of her parents.

"As you say. There is a new message at your private terminal from Major Alenko."

Shepard stood and cracked her back with a sigh, only then realizing that Kaidan hadn't been in bed with her when she woke. "When did Kaidan leave?" She asked EDI.

"Major Alenko was logged leaving the Normandy two hours ago."

"He left the ship?" Her brows crunched together; She had thought they'd put their brief disagreement behind them, but it seemed he'd taken actions into his own hands.

"Affirmative, and though I could likely read the message for you, I believe he wanted you to read it yourself."

Shepard shook her head with a small smile; maybe EDI _had_ been spending too much time with Joker on the bridge since she had gotten her body. She was certainly more humorous since he unshackled her during the Collector attack. Not that she minded, humor kept things light hearted enough for her not to lose her mind when the weight on her shoulders felt like too much. "Thanks EDI," she mumbled as she sat in her chair, turning on the terminal. The message tagline read 'Sorry' and she tapped on it, opening the file to read it.

_Shepard,_

_I am taking a shuttle to the London HQ. I will try to be back soon. Hopefully before you wake. I know Hackett asked for you but…I'm sorry. I want to handle it for you, if I can. I know you're not made of glass, Shepard but…_

_I love you,_

_Kaidan._

She studied the message for a long moment. "EDI, can you tell me if Admiral Hackett is available on the comm?"

"Affirmative, Shepard. However, Major Alenko is with him."

"Put me through to the Admiral." Her terminal beeped, EDI establishing a safe link to the Admiral Hackett's comm line. "Hackett, this is Shepard."

"Shepard, good to hear from you; Major Alenko came in your stead.

"I know; what was it you wanted to discuss?" She swallowed, her stomach rolling in protest. Had her dream of a memory long past been more than she had assumed? Her dreams since she had left Earth had been strange in that way, almost foreshadowing of things to come. She had done so damn much to end this war. She suddenly felt the urge to punch something, her emotions bubbling too close to the surface for her to be comfortable with.

"Shepard, I think it will be better to let Alenko handle this. This might be something difficult to deal with."

"There isn't a whole lot I _haven't _dealt with since the war started, Admiral."

Kaidan's comm linked with theirs. "Shepard, I think he is right about this." He sounded concerned, which only made her need to know that much more powerful.

"You two, of all people, know I do not like being kept in the dark." She grit her teeth, trying to keep her tone neutral, even as irritation rubbed at her. Had to be the hormones, it had to be. She normally wasn't so…short-fused. The war had changed a lot of people, though, hadn't it?

"As you say, Shepard." Hackett sighed softly. "I was just filling Alenko in on the details. Human colonies all around the Galaxy have been reporting in since the end of the attack. Mostly damage and casualty reports…Mindoir reported in as well, however…"

Mindoir…she had been dreaming of home, of Mindoir. The day it fell, when she had been thrust into a whole new life in the wake of a decimated one. "However…?"

"The casualties were low. Only Reaper threat they dealt with were an occasional scout. A Reaper vessel never touched down – it isn't densely populated, so it was unlikely to be high on the Reaper's list of planets to harvest."

"What's the problem then?"

"The colony went silent two days ago at 1900; we have been trying to raise it since, but to no avail."

"I will look into it." She said it without hesitation, though her hands trembled at the thought of returning to Mindoir. She hadn't stepped foot on the planet, the colony, since the Alliance and Anderson had taken her from there.

"Shepard…" Kaidan tried to say something, but he suddenly stopped, as if the Admiral had shook his head to cease his protest.

"Major Alenko will return shortly with the details. Hackett out."

Shepard cut the comm link and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She was going home.


	6. The Ashes of Home

**A/N: **Anvi Shepard is Paragon Colonist/Sole Survivor; she's tough and has had it rough, but I like the depth of character a hard life can provide – I also like that I gave her such a hard going, but she is Paragon, and endeavors to do the right thing. I don't see a lot of fics myself with Shepard's past, so to me it is nice to expand upon it so much later in the series.

Again, thanks for all your lovely reviews. I love every one of them! (And I am sorry I don't get time to personally respond to each).

_Disclaimer: Don't own it._

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Six – The Ashes of Home**

* * *

"Shepard, I really don't think this is a good idea," Kaidan sighed and rubbed his temples where he sat on the edge of their bed. Shepard worried that he had another migraine starting. It was something he suffered from regularly due to his L2 implants.

"I have every right to go." She frowned; okay, so he was worried, she got that, but she had already told him she was going to go and, usually, he never second guessed her. This was one of those times that being together could put her at a disadvantage when it came to her duties, or what she saw as her duties. She didn't like butting heads with him, though she had been known to throw a few well-placed head-butts whenever she happened to be around her Krogan friends. Something that had Wrex seeing her as an honorary Krogan, as odd as that picture was. "It should be me, Kaidan."

"Don't 'Kaidan' me," he mumbled, making Shepard's frown more set; she hadn't heard him say that since Mars. That probably wasn't a good thing.

"Don't you start that 'this is business' speech with me, again, Kaidan." She stood from her spot on the sofa, pacing over to the stairs and walking up them to stare at the assortment of fish that adorned her rather massive aquarium. "Even if this was about business, it's not just that." She folded her arms. "This is personal, you know that."

"Which is why this is a bad idea." She turned to look at him and found that he wasn't just irritated, but hurt; a mixed expression she had seen a multitude of times before their dinner date on the Citadel. "It's not just personal for you. You have a baby to think about. Your health is the most important thing right now, Shepard and going on this mission…it could affect you in ways we don't even know." He pressed his hands to his knees, his face stern; he was worried, but he was refusing to back down about this.

Damnit, she was a soldier! She knew better than to think that she could sit around and play housewife until the baby came; he should have known her better than to think that, too! She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Kaidan, I will be fine. We beat the Reapers and lived to tell the tale and – "

"Barely!" He snapped out, causing her to raise her gaze to hear him speak like that. It wasn't often she heard Kaidan's emotions get the better of him.

"_And_," she sighed, "I am certain we can handle checking out a colony."

The silence stretched for a very long, tense moment, before he sighed, nearly all the fight seeping out of him by the way his shoulders dropped as he shook his head. "It's not just some colony, Shepard. It's _your _colony, _your home_…"

Slowly she approached him, kneeling in front of him and placing a gloved hand on his cheek. His hand came up immediately to cover hers', holding it there, his amber eyes moving over her face. "Kaidan, I get that you're worried, but that's why it has to be me…it is _my home._ If something has happened to the colony, I can't turn my back on them." She held his gaze, steady, though she was worried he wouldn't understand – he hadn't understood about Cerberus, and the last thing she wanted was for something to come between them again. They had lost years already, she wasn't about to let that happen again, not if she could help it.

His hand came up, his knuckles brushing over her cheek before he tucked her hair behind her ear. "I do understand, Shepard, I just…" He sighed and his hand moved to the back of her neck, gently pulling her as he leaned down to kiss her lips softly. "I worry, not only about your safety, but our baby's safety now too…I know you probably get sick of hearing this but it's just how I am…having lost you once already…"

"I know, Kaidan, I know." She held his face in both hands now and kissed him deeply, putting her love and emotions into the way their mouths melded together and caressed. "I am not leaving you again, not ever, I promise," she breathed the words over his lips, and he groaned, wrapping his arms around her to pull her to him and kiss her until they both couldn't think straight enough to talk any further.

* * *

"Commander, ETA 5 minutes."

"Thanks Joker, we're headed down to the shuttle now. Keep in stealth 'til we know what's going on," Shepard ordered as she finished strapping herself into her N7 armor. She checked her weapons, going over the mods and securing them as Kaidan and Vega went about doing the same.

"Aye aye, Commander."

"Let's move people." They moved from the CIC to the elevator, taking the short ride down to the shuttle bay. She glanced at Vega. "Since Cortez is still in the ICU, you'll be piloting the shuttle, _but please _no head on collisions if you can help it."

The LT had the nerve to grin, as if proud of himself. "No promises, Commander, but I can try."

Shepard caught Kaidan's half glare and chuckled softly, nodding. "Let's go." They climbed into the Kodiak, Shepard and Kaidan seating themselves in the back while Vega took the pilot's seat and fired up the shuttle. The Normandy shuttle bay door opened and before long they were making their way out of it, the shuttle making easy way into the atmosphere around the planet of Mindoir, the winds subtle and the ride surprisingly calm. Something that made Shepard nervous; it felt eerie, like something Joker had said – the eye of the hurricane. Deceptively peaceful, before all hell broke loose.

She must have been showing some sort of unease, because Kaidan placed a hand on her armored leg. "Are you alright?" He whispered the words softly, so only she could hear him as the shuttle descended toward the planet.

"It's…quiet. It feels too…quiet." She pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh. "Something doesn't feel right."

"Are you sure about this? Vega can take you back to the ship."

She dropped her hand and looked at him, trying not to glare with how much irritation those words caused in her. "And let you go in alone? No way! Don't you even suggest it."

He smiled faintly and nodded. "Aye aye, ma'am."

"Touch down, Commander." Vega set the Kodiak down on the planet's surface, just outside the main colony, jostling them just a bit as they came to their feet. The lieutenant joined them as Shepard did one last check of her weapons and armor.

"Alright, listen up people. We have no idea what's going on here. So, keep it quiet, keep low, and watch for possible hostiles. All we know is the colony stopped reporting in well over a day ago. We go in, find whatever data we can, sweep for survivors, and then we're out. Is that understood?" They both nodded and Shepard hit the console to let the shuttle doors open; at once she was hit with nostalgia, and an almost overwhelming sense of déjà vu, but she pressed her lips tightly together and signaled them to follow her. "Let's move."

She hefted up her N7 Valkyrie and hopped down off the shuttle, keeping low as they pressed forward. It was…strangely the same, yet felt utterly different; the buildings lay out before them, an almost exact mirror what they had been when Shepard had lived here. Not that it was out of the ordinary. They hadn't built from the ground up but had rebuilt from the decimated remains. They came to a stack of storage crates and she signaled for them to stop, dropping low and sliding out from behind the cover to move to the door of the closest building. She pressed her back to the door and signaled to Alenko to have them move up and flank the door, should hostiles be present inside. Once in position, she turned and hit the console controls, letting the door hiss open, their fingers ready on the triggers of their guns. It was empty, curiously quiet, not a single corpse yet. She frowned, moved into the room, and motioned for the others to follow her. A data pad lay on the desk of terminals and she picked it up, scanning over it quickly, wondering if it would shed any light on what exactly had occurred here.

_Do we even know why he's here? I mean, we have had some Alliance soldiers stationed after what happened to the original settlement, but he…he seems off. I don't like it. I feel like something is very wrong. Hopefully it's just me; Mindoir has been through enough. Maybe I am just paranoid. _

"Find anything?" Kaidan came to stand next to her as Vega kept a look out.

"Nothing concrete. Correspondence between colonists. Something about an Alliance soldier stationed here, but one that this colonist got a bad feeling from." Shepard frowned, read over the message again, before setting the data pad back onto the desk.

"Why would a stationed Alliance officer make them uneasy?" Vega asked, though he didn't turn, keeping his line of sight over the top of his assault rifle.

"No idea, yet. Let's keep moving."

They moved into the next room, Shepard's eyes quickly picking up on each detail as they moved; the empty sofa's, cans of soda and water placed about, papers on the tables – it was like they had been in the middle of their day and had simply vanished. God, it was like Horizon and Freedom's Progress all over again, though she knew it couldn't be. She had personally destroyed the Collector base, there was no way they could have abducted the colonists. The data pad had her wondering. Even after the Reapers were destroyed, was it possible to have indoctrinated agents? Her thoughts fled as they moved across the small bridge into the next building; a couple of bodies lay on the floor, blood splattered around the room from the multitude of gunshot wounds each body presented. Shepard's stomach lurched as they stilled. "Unlikely, but check for pulses," she ordered and they did as she said, though the sad shakes of their heads confirmed no pulse.

"Joker," Shepard fired up the comm. "This is Shepard. We have two males and one female. All dead. Be prepared for a quick drop if we have to make a dash back to the shuttle."

"Aye aye, Commander."

"See anything else?" She then asked Kaidan. He turned and handed her a data pad stained in blood. Her hand shook as she took it and, by the look he gave her, she knew he'd caught it. Her fingers wiped the blood from the screen so that she could make out the message.

_Something is really off about this Alliance officer. I catch him skulking around, looking into files of the old Mindoir, before we rebuilt. I saw him even looking over files of Shepard and her parents. I need to get a message to the Alliance; I think he is after Shepard. I need to –_

"What is it?" Kaidan's voice caught her off guard and she jerked, eyes finding him now standing just beside her, trying to get a look at the data pad. "You look pale."

"She thought he was after me…the message cut off. My guess is he found her." She sighed, straightening her spine; it was happening again. People even remotely connected her were dying. These people suffered because she had been raised here. Kaidan had almost died on Mars. Her squad on Akuze had died. Ashley had died. Thane…_too many._ She frowned tightly; this was going to stop, one way or another. She was not some bad luck magnet that would result in everyone around her suffering – she refused to allow that.

"You just saved the entire galaxy from the Reapers! Who would have the _cojones _to come after you?" Vega sounded pissed that someone would even consider harming her and that made her smile a little; it was always good to know that her friends would defend her, no questions asked.

"I don't think it's about that…this Alliance officer must have something against me." Shepard tried to think of anyone in the remnants of the Alliance who would be out to get her. If anything, she expected Batarians, not fellow soldiers, to be after her life.

"You just saved the Alliance, not to mention the human race, from extinction…why would – "

"I don't know, Kaidan, I don't know." She set the data pad down and then moved between the bodies, sliding their eyes closed. "But if this is to piss me off, it's definitely working."

"Shepard, I'm sorry – "

"Don't. It's okay, let's get moving. Who knows what else he's done. If there are any survivors, we have to get to them," she motioned for them to follow as she spoke. They moved through the building, continuing through what she recognized as the holding chamber; she vaguely wondered if the kept the hidden room below. As they moved through the small, surprising empty, room, she found her thoughts flashing back to that day when she had lost everything. The day she had curled into a ball and cried herself to sleep, waking determined to be stronger, to be the strongest, so that she could protect the people she cared about.

_No – don't think about it, just stay focused and keep moving. _

As they moved through the other homes, they found more bodies, all riddled with bullet holes. Whoever had done this had been angry. It angered her to think their anger at her had been taken out on innocents like these colonists. They reached the center of the colony, the main comm hub, and she signaled them to flank the doors as she opened them. She went in first; the office was tossed, terminals broken and bullet holes shattering the windows. More bodied lay about on the floor, abused as all the others that had come before them. Blood was everywhere and Shepard had to swallow to stave off the urge to vomit; such useless, misguided violence. This had to stop and it had to stop now. She wasn't about to let this Alliance officer off the hook, not if he had done all this just to get to her. A motion had the others following her in and they took in the grim scene around her, tight frowns on both of their faces.

Just as Kaidan moved closer to her, possibly to say something, the large screen over the main lobby desk lit up. There, on that screen, was someone she thought she never would have come across again, though his message when she had been with Cerberus should have made her think otherwise. Funny, how good actions could come back to bite you in the ass later.

"Good to see you have finally shown yourself, _Admiral Shepard,_" the man spat.

"Is that…?"

"Yes, Kaidan; that is Corporal Toombs, the only other survivor from Akuze." Shepard narrowed her eyes, lowering her N7 Valkyrie as she moved toward the screen. "What have you done, Toombs?"

"You joined Cerberus knowing what they did to us, to our squad, Shepard. Whatever has happened, you brought on yourself," the man spat, his face twisted with cruelty; she had barely managed to keep him from killing a Cerberus scientist and convinced him to get help, but it did little good it seemed.

"I gave you a chance to walk away, Toombs, but what you have done here has to redemption. And you know, as well as the entire Alliance, that I no longer have ties with Cerberus, and I killed the Illusive Man." Shepard snapped out, her trigger finger twitching; the imbalance of her hormones was creating problems in keeping control over her emotions. She wanted to kill him, kill him dead, for the atrocities he'd done. For the countless number of bodies behind them he'd shot in cold blood. "These people were innocent!"

"They stopped being innocent the moment you joined Cerberus, Shepard!" Obviously the man was out of his mind.

"He's lost it," Kaidan echoed her thoughts quite accurately.

"Definitely _loco_," Vega mumbled.

"Toombs, you have one chance to surrender yourself, or by the Gods, I will kill you. I will come for you and you won't escape me. You attacked my home, my people, simply over some vendetta you have with me. I _am not_ Cerberus." She nearly growled the words. "Cerberus is dead, over, finished. This was pointless!"

He stared at her, from the other side of the screen, wherever he was, as if he were contemplating her words. Then he smirked and shook his head. "It wasn't pointless. You're here now and this won't be finished until one of us is dead." With that, the comm feed cut and the screen went blank.

Shepard's eyes dropped to the floor and she seemed to study it in silence for what felt like eternity.

"_You're better than this, Toombs. You're not like them."_

_The man snarled at her, but she kept her ground, not moving an inch. "Don't tell me who I am." He kept the gun leveled with the doctor, not budging. "You got away with a few scratches and scary reputation. The rest of the unit died. I was tortured for years, Shepard. You can't judge me." His eyes narrowed at her through the visor of his helmet. "You don't have the right."_

_Shepard knew all too well how the man felt; sure, she hadn't been tortured, but she had mandatory counseling after she had returned from Akuze as the only survivor of her squad. She had what the therapist had called – Survivor's guilt. There was no use denying it to herself, especially as she stood here, with another survivor, but one who had been captured and tortured. She should have saved them. Saved him. "If I had known, Toombs, I would have helped. I want to help now," she lowered her gun and reached out to him. "Let me help you."_

_Toombs stared her down for a long moment before he finally sighed heavily, lowering his gun from the frightened Cerberus doctor. "Alright, Shepard. I'm no murderer. They couldn't make me one," he spat in the direction of the man, not her. "As long as he goes to trial…Maybe the screaming will stop now…I don't know."_

_She had thought that was the end of it, but after her resurrection, she had heard over the news terminals the Cerberus doctor had been cleared of all charges. She had contemplated bringing it up with the Illusive Man, but had been on the Citadel for more…pressing matters. Then, Toombs threatening message had come to her personal terminal – why Miranda had decided to let it through was beyond her, but it was a clear threat. 'I have my own merc squad now, Shepard. If I come across you, I've saving you a bullet.'_

Finally, Kaidan's hand on her shoulder brought her back to the present. Once, Toombs hadn't been such a bad man, but now…now he had crossed a line that had no return. "Let's move," was all she said, signaling them to follow her.

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**A/N: **Thanks for all the favorites, alerts, and reviews, they mean so much! Continued support is, and always would be, appreciated!


	7. Facing off With a Memory

**A/N: **Not much on author notes, just a thank you for the continued reviews, alerts, and favorites. They mean a lot! So please leave a review if you have a moment! They are fantastic motivators! :D

_Disclaimer: Bioware._

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**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Seven – Facing off With a Memory**

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Kaidan didn't really like how quiet Shepard had become after Toombs' comm call, or the way she had shut down; throughout her mission to unite the galaxy, she had seemed to hold together remarkably well. Thessia had been the real first indication she was wearing down, shutting herself off because she had admitted that she had felt like she was failing. He could only imagine how she felt in this moment. If she hadn't spared Toombs, saved him, the colonists would likely never have met this fate. He could only imagine the guilt she must be feeling. He wasn't naïve enough to believe she wasn't blaming herself for this. He wanted to say _something_, do _something_, but after she had seemingly brushed off his concern, he found himself at a loss.

They continued to move through the central comm center of the colony, Shepard stopping occasionally to scan for life signs with her omni tool. Her continued frown didn't help ease his worries. She was generally a caring person, often too lenient and forgiving, understanding, but even he doubted Toombs would be getting a second chance. Shepard wasn't going to let him go, not again, not after what he had done.

"He has to be here somewhere," Vega commented, glancing around the room they were in with a precise gaze, not overlooking a single detail of its layout.

"How big is the colony, Shepard?" Kaidan asked and she turned her somewhat shuttered face toward him. He didn't want her to shut him out; he wasn't going to let her.

"I don't know if they expanded it, but it seemed the same as when I was here last. This is the only place he could be," she mumbled somewhat, tapping a few keys on her omni tool. "We went through most of the buildings already."

"_Loco pendejo_ probably set up a trap."

"Let's not rule it out." Shepard put away her omni tool, letting it fade as she took a look around the room. "We have the comm tower and landing pad ahead, just up those stairs, and maybe some miscellaneous offices."

"Why is he doing this, Shepard?" Kaidan frowned. "Is it just because of Cerberus?"

Shepard smiled a bit sadly. "You weren't the only one put off by the fact I was working with Cerberus. Well, more like using them. I was going to take out the Collector's any way I could and they were the only ones willing to listen. It's what they brought me back for." She sighed. "Not that the Illusive Man didn't regret that – he found out the hard way that he couldn't pull the strings of someone not willing to be his puppet."

Kaidan was at a loss; now more than ever, he regretted the harsh way he had treated her, and how little trust he had actually had in her. He'd let his hate of Cerberus warp his belief in her. He should have known better. Even after she had saved his life, not once, but _twice _– first the Collector attack on Horizon, then the Cerberus Coup on the Citadel – he'd still doubted her. He was a fool to think he'd really loved her; what kind of person didn't trust the one they loved?

"Anyway," Shepard's voice brought him out of his morose thoughts. "I was sure it was the Illusive Man and…Miranda, who spread the word I was with Cerberus, even before I was sighted alive. Toombs got wind of it, no doubt looked into it, and then sent me a message. It was essentially a threat."

"He threatened you? Definitely _loco_," mumbled Vega, shaking his head with a grin.

Kaidan frowned. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Shepard blinked once, then twice, a smile cracking its way over her supple lips. "Kaidan, I appreciate the concern, but we both knew he wasn't stable. Hell, even I had to go through mandatory therapy after Akuze. I didn't think much of his threat at the time. I had…" she waved her hand emphatically, "a bigger issue to attend to."

He supposed that was true. He probably wouldn't have paid much attention to it either had he been in her shoes. "Where do you think he is hiding?"

"Personally? On the landing pad. Easiest way to escape should his plan backfire. He wants me dead, but I'm not so sure he is ready to die himself to see it through." She sighed and looked off toward the stairs. "He was already suffering from _severe_ PDST. I didn't think he could get any more unstable than he already was when we found him, Kaidan. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't have let him go."

Just as Kaidan would have approached her and said something reassuring, Vega was there, patting her on the shoulder. "You couldn't have known he would do this, Lola." Kaidan frowned, feeling an unfamiliar churn in his gut; was he actually jealous? Vega _was _a flirt, after all.

"Thanks, James, but we have to stop him. I can't let him go this time."

Vega nodded and took point, heading toward the stair case with his M-96 Mattock assault rifle raised and ready. Shepard was right behind him, with her N7 Valkyrie assault rifle, Kaidan pulling up the rear with his semi-automatic Arc pistol. They moved cautiously up the stairs, Vega taking the right side of the door on top, Kaidan moving to flank from the left side as Shepard moved to take point. She glanced at both of them, all sharing a brief nod, before she hit the controls and the door slid open. Eyes remained down the sight of her rifle, scanning the hall in front of them for possible hostiles, before she moved in, signaling them to follow. The hall led straight to the comm tower, though offices lay to their lefts and rights, all in disarray and each containing at least one dead colonist, if not more.

"The hall breaks into two just before the door to the comm center. I will take point, Kaidan I want you to take the right hall and take the side entrance in. Vega, you got my back." Shepard gave her orders as they came to the break in the hall.

Kaidan wanted to argue, say that he should be the one at her twelve, watching her back, but he knew she was trusting him and his biotics to get the jump on anyone who may be inside if he came in undetected. "Aye aye, ma'am." He gave her a lingering gaze, their eyes locking for a brief moment, before he moved down the hall. He lost sight of them as he disappeared down the corridor, turning to corner and sliding along the wall toward the door. Once he reached the door, flanking it from the left, he tapped on his comm. "In position, Shepard."

"On my order." He waited, almost with bated breath. Toombs was most likely to be in there and knowing what he did about Shepard's condition, it was hard not to be worried. He had to let it go, or at least ease up, she was a Soldier, like him, and she wasn't going to let a romance, a family, stop her doing what she thought her duty was, though Kaidan was adamant in his belief that she had already went above and beyond her duty long before now. "Go!" He hit the console and slipped in through the doors on silent steps, catching across the room with a brief glance both Vega and Shepard. Toombs was on the far side, near the comm tower's exit door to the landing pad, unaware of his presence, his line of sight fixed squarely on Shepard through the scope of his Widow Sniper rifle, from where he crouched behind an overturned table.

"Don't move," Toombs said loud enough for Shepard and Vega to hear, both ceasing their movements at his order, both fully aware that the sight of his gun was trained on Shepard. "You can tell your other man to stand down, Alenko, I believe it was."

Shepard made a motion toward him and Kaidan narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. She nodded briefly, her eyes telling him to trust her. Gritting his teeth, he moved out from his hidden place behind a desk and joined Shepard and Vega on the one side of the room. So much for their advantage.

"I learned every layout of every building just for this, Shepard," Toombs said, as if he were reading Kaidan's thoughts, making him frown tightly, his biotics humming through him and threatening to flare around him. _He _wanted Toombs dead now, for simply having pointed a gun at Shepard.

Shepard kept her gun lowered, at her side; a deceptive sign of peace because Kaidan knew exactly how fast she could throw up her weapon and unload a barrage of bullets into the crazy corporal. "Toombs…it doesn't have to be like this." Her voice was calm, though he could see the faint bit of fear in her eyes that she could have hid from anyone except him. He'd seen that fear, when she told him that she would be waiting for him after they defeated the Reapers, and that he had better show up. As much as he fronted being brave, he too had thought they all would die at the hands of the Reapers; he had even told her, they knew it was goodbye. It was funny how some things turned out – one moment he thought they would all die, the next he was alive, she was alive, and he was to be a father.

"Yes it does, Shepard," Toombs voice made him refocus, fingers twitching briefly as he pushed back the urge to rip the sniper rifle straight out of the man's hands with his biotics.

"Toombs, you were a good soldier once; turn yourself in." She kept her voice calm, cool, almost reassuring, despite the anger he knew was boiling just under the surface.

"I'm no fool. They would execute me for this, but it needed to be done. I had to draw you out somehow and I knew Hackett would involve you if it was Mindoir." Toombs sighed, almost dramatically. Kaidan kept his stance tilted, firmly on Shepard in his peripheral vision, waiting for any subtle signal she may give him.

There was a tense silence and Kaidan could see the hand holding her rifle tremble ever so slightly. "Toombs, I will only give you this once chance to surrender, before I will be forced to put you down myself. You murdered innocent people, Toombs, just like Cerberus murdered our squad. You have fallen to their tactics, you are just like them."

"Shut up!" The man snapped out, clearly insulted and irritated by her words. "You are Cerberus. You are the one who turned your back on the Alliance and worked for those traitors. I am not like them."

"Are you insane? Who else was helping with the Collectors? Would you rather have had me turn myself in and twiddle my thumbs while the Collectors went unopposed? While they kidnapped colony after colony and made them into human mush they fed into a human _Reaper?_" Shepard snapped back. "Yeah, that's right, they were liquefying us. If I had to use Cerberus to stop that, so be it."

The sniper rifle trembled slightly and Kaidan looked at the corporal to see the fear on his face at Shepard's words; even Kaidan hadn't heard the details of Shepard's mission to the Collector base. Every time he had asked, she had simply said 'I would rather spare you the nightmares'. "You could have done it on your own," Toombs insisted. "How could you go to them after what I told you?" Was the man crying? He couldn't quite tell. "Our whole squad, Shepard. They killed them all, every last one of them. Miles, Sailey, Boyd, Stevenson; _all of them._"

"You don't think I know that, Toombs? For the longest time I thought you were dead, too." She sighed, eyes dipping briefly to the ground. "I don't understand how you all died and how I made it back to the LZ, but somehow I did. I crawled my way back, bloody, defeated, and barely conscious. They took me to the hospital, I was out for days. I barely survived. I had to go through therapy, to avoid PDST, but I still had dreams, nightmares, of all of you." She raised her eyes back to Toombs, the silver-blue orbs suddenly hard as steel. "The Batarians wiped out my home, Cerberus wiped out my squad, I was _not _about to let the Collector's to do the same to people I cared about, even _if I had to work with Cerberus._"

The room was suddenly too quiet, Toombs' hands shaking. The rifle he had aimed on Shepard shook as well. Kaidan knew the man was weighing her words, and his options. "I'm sorry, Shepard, it's too late." The words made Kaidan's blood run cold and as soon as they were said, Toombs tightened his finger on the trigger and the bullet went straight for Shepard. It was suddenly as if everything fell into slow motion; as Kaidan dove for Shepard, he threw up a hasty biotic barrier, though it didn't help. Toombs must have used an anti-barrier mod on his rifle, because the bullet ripped straight through his barrier and slammed into his shoulder, blood splattering on his armor as he fell.

"_Kaidan!" _Shepard's voice rang out and as he caught himself on his knees, he saw her lift her rifle as Toombs was reloading his, and unleash a full clip into the unshielded corporal. He screamed, blood flowing from several holes as the bullets found purchase in his flesh, his body flying back from the force to the floor, where Kaidan could hear him gurgle on his own blood.

Shepard knelt beside Kaidan, signaling to Vega. "Make sure the bastard is dead," she hissed and the lieutenant nodded, running out of his direct line of vision to deal with the fallen corporal, whom he was sure was dead. "Kaidan, you damned idiot!" Shepard hissed the words, half broken as she hastily took in his wound; he was lucky it had been a through and through, that meant she could apply the medi gel without having to pull out a bullet first. He winced as she did just that, the gel cool at first, before seeping into his wound and working at repairing the marred flesh beneath his armor.

"Couldn't let him hurt you," he grunted, adjusting himself so that he sat, holding his injured arm.

"You think I wanted you hurt!" She snapped it out so fiercely that he knew it wasn't a question she expected him to answer. "Damnit Kaidan, I can't lose you either!" Her hands framed his face and she was suddenly kissing him, hotly, almost possessively. After a moment, she leaned back, and he could see that she was fighting to hold back tears. "_Don't you ever do that again_."

He grinned, almost cheekily, despite the pain. "Aye aye, ma'am."


	8. Giving Way to Change

**A/N**: Again, more love for the favorites, alerts, and reviews. You guys rule, seriously!

Disclaimer: Bioware.

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**After Our Darkest Hour**

******Chapter Eight: Giving Way to Change**

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Kaidan was taken straight to the Med Bay once the Normandy retrieved them from Mindoir. Shepard was reluctant to leave him, but she needed to get a progress update to Hackett, even though she had already had EDI forward the report. Reassuring him she would be back sooner rather than later, and kissing him quickly on the cheek, she left the Med Bay and took the Elevator to the CIC, and then proceeded through the right hand doors toward the war room, which gave way to the comm room.

"EDI, link me to Admiral Hackett."

"At once, Shepard."

The comm fizzled for a moment, Earth's link still a touch unstable as they rebuilt, before Hackett's holo image stood just in front of her. "Shepard, hell of a thing you just had to go through on Mindoir. It's hard to think one of our own fell so far and right on the heels of the Reaper invasion." The old man shook his head. "A shame." His gaze narrowed, taking in her somewhat defense stance, her arms folded and the way she subtly leaned back. "Shepard?"

"I owe you an apology, Admiral. I know you've read the report, but I am the one who decided to let Toombs go with the condition he got help." She sighed and dropped her arms. "I feel if I hadn't let him go three years ago, this never would have happened."

"Shepard, we make hard calls every single day. Lives are lost, but we press on, that's what we do. You couldn't have known Toombs would do this." Hackett sighed and shook his head. "History is always there, but we can't let our mistakes haunt us and make us lesser soldiers. Each defeat makes us stronger, remember that."

Shepard couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the edges of her lips. As much as Anderson had seemed like a father to her, Hackett felt like family as well; a pep talk from him never failed to help rile her spirit. Her fight. "I'll remember that, Admiral. Thank you." She pressed her lips together, eyes dipping toward the floor.

"There is something else, isn't there, Shepard?" Hackett had the nerve to sound almost amused – like a father who was calmly helping his daughter through her problems.

"As a matter of fact, yes, there is." Her eyes came back up to the holo of Hackett. "As much as Anderson wanted this for me, I am afraid I will be taking time off, possibly indefinitely."

"You seemed so sure when you accepted, Shepard. Might I ask about the change of heart?" Did he sound genuinely disappointed?

"There is…something I have neglected to tell you, Admiral. You know I have broken fraternization regulations." She blushed slightly, adverting her gaze for a moment before daring to look back at him, though the older man didn't seem phased in the least.

"Shepard, we have all broken them at some point or another." He actually chuckled. "But to answer your insinuated question, yes, I do know. It was a little hard to miss the way Major Alenko looks at you."

"Yes, well…it would appear I am pregnant, sir."

His eyes visibly widened beneath the brim of his hat, his mouth gaping slightly. "Is…is that even possible? Physically, I mean, with the...implants?"

Shepard nodded slightly. "EDI and I looked into it thoroughly, Admiral. Miranda Lawson, the ex-Cerberus who led Project Lazarus, assured me that all my womanly parts are…" she waved a hand emphatically, "…in working order."

"I see." Hackett rubbed his chin thoughtfully and she wondered briefly if he was upset with her or happy for her. She preferred the latter. Though, even if she was happy about it, there was still a lot she had to…process, herself. She couldn't expect everyone to react positively, though Joker's reaction had been absolutely _priceless_; she doubted she would ever forget that expression on her pilot's face. "How do you feel about this, Shepard?"

The question caught her off guard. Telling Kaidan had been the priority after she had researched how her being pregnant was possible. Shepard hadn't actually stopped to think how _she _felt about it; once she found out, she had simply accepted it as it was, something she had done often in her life, both as a soldier and a survivor of impossible odds. That was Shepard in a nut shell; a survivor. When she had found out about the pregnancy, her mind accepted it as another thing she would survive, but now that she was being questioned about her feelings…she was unsure. The last mission had made her realize she couldn't go on as she had before, not without risking the baby's life, something Kaidan and she would never be able to live with. Whether or not she liked it, she had to take a step back and relieve herself of active duty; at least until after the baby was born. "I…am happy, I think, Hackett. As you know, my family was killed on Mindoir, so I was orphaned. Anderson and you have been the closest I have had to father figures." She smiled and nodded faintly. "I don't know how to be a mother, or how to be anything other than a soldier, it's who I am, but a family with Kaidan…well, it's a nice thought."

This time Hackett smiled. "Then I am happy for you. I would at least hope the Major plans to make an honest woman out of you." The Admiral cocked a brow in question.

She blinked and laughed softly with a nod. "Yes, he did ask me to marry him, but I'm not exactly wife material."

"He's a lucky man, Shepard, don't ever doubt that." Damn hormones, she could swear she felt her eyes watering faintly. "I would like you to stay in charge of the Normandy, at least for now, Admiral. Active duty or not, she is _your ship._ We can discuss details further when it comes to that." She nodded and they both saluted.

"We will return to Earth for now, Admiral. We want to be involved in rebuilding."

"Understandable. We will see you soon then, Shepard. Hackett out."

* * *

When she made it back to the Med Bay, Kaidan was asleep, much to her surprise. Chakwas told her that the stress from the gunshot wound had induced one of his notorious headaches, so she had given him a sedative to help sleep it off. Shepard told Chakwas to alert her the moment he woke and made her way to the elevator to take it to her cabin in the loft of the Normandy. She was overdue to write some messages, so she sighed and sat at her personal terminal.

(Private Terminal: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 4:34 p.m.)

I miss you guys, you have no idea. Sending this as a mass message to reach each of you, as some crazy things have been happening here. Any of you remember Corporal Toombs? He completely lost it, went to Mindoir and wiped out the colony to lure me there; safe to say that is probably my last mission…for a while. Not because I want it to be, mind you, but there is something else you guys need to know…I'm pulling out of active duty for now, turns out I am pregnant. I can just picture the looks on each of your faces right now, especially you, Vakarian. But yeah, Kaidan and I are going to be parents…crazy, huh?

Get back to me soon, alright? Shepard out.

(Sent to: Garrus Vakarian, Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy, Doctor Laira T'Soni 2187 C.E. 4:40 p.m.)

She shut off the terminal screen once the message was sent, leaning back in her chair. "Joker, set a course for Earth."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

* * *

She must have dozed off, because gentle fingers running through her hair woke her, eyes fluttering open to see Kaidan leaning over her from the back of her chair. She mmm'd softly as the fingers of his uninjured arm continued to gentle massage at her scalp, the tension from having fallen asleep so awkwardly, slipping away to give into genuine relaxation.

"You fall asleep working again?" He asked softly, a small smile lifting a corner of his lips.

"For once, no. Must've fallen asleep after I wrote the message for the others." She yawned a bit. "Let them know what's going on and…about the baby."

"Oh?" He chuckled slightly, adjusting his stance, his injured arm in a sling for now. "The light is blinking, so they must have written back. I can imagine their shock…"

"I think we were all a little shocked," she mumbled sleepily as she brought his hand to her lips, kissing it softly before she stood and stretched a little languidly, at least glad that she had remembered to change out of her armor once returning to the ship. That would have hurt, to have fallen asleep in the chair in armor. She almost shuddered to think of it. Keeping a hold of his hand, she walked down to the sofa and sat, pulling him down next to her and leaning into his side, his arm wrapping around her shoulders.

"Not going to check your messages?" He asked curiously.

"Nah, I want to talk to you first."

He chuckled, shaking his head briefly. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"

"Don't worry, it's nothing like that." She rested her head against his chest, almost afraid to speak, this moment of being so close to him, in his arms, enough to make her completely content. "I told Admiral Hackett I'm pulling out of active duty."

She couldn't see his face, but she felt his body tighten slightly and she could just picture the puzzled expression she was sure he was wearing. "Why?"

She leaned up, scooting back some to that she could turn to face him, taking his hand in hers. Their eyes met, his anxious and curious, hers oddly calm and clear. "Mindoir made me realize I can't keep living my life the way I have for so long; I've always been a survivor, Kaidan, and I have been through a helluva lot, even for a soldier. And, once upon a time, I still wouldn't have traded that life for anything. I am a soldier, inside and out, but…I can't continue like this, if I want us to have this baby. I…I felt like a fool when we came back to the ship after what Toombs pulled…if you hadn't taken that bullet for me, I could have very well died, or worse, lived but lost the baby."

"Shepard – "

She pressed a finger to his lips and smiled. "Let me finish. I'm not one to get all touchy-feely and open, so let me get out all I wanted to say before I lose my nerve." He smiled slightly and nodded, kissing her finger before she withdrew it. "I have some…serious reservations about being a mother, Kaidan. I have dealt with loss my entire life; I don't expect things to ever stay peaceful. I have fought for every inch I have ever gotten. I…don't know how to live a peaceful life, how to be a family, much less how to raise a child, but…like I told Hackett…a family with you, it's a nice thought…if I am going to try it, I want to try it with you. I will give it my all, to be a good mother, but I can't just take the soldier out of who I am."

Was he tearing up? Spirits, she had made him cry. Before she could frown and say something, he smiled and wrapped his good arm around her, bringing her close. "I would never expect you to stop being a soldier, Anvi," he whispered reverently into her hair, "and this is far more than I expected, really. It means so much to me, makes me so happy, that you would do this for us, for our baby." He kissed the top of her head, his body shuddering slightly with what emotion she wasn't sure. "I will let Hackett know that I will go back to teaching Biotics, and I am sure we can find you something to do as well, Shepard, like lectures, or teaching recruits."

She chuckled softly and nodded, kissing the side of his delectable neck. "I hadn't thought of that. You think of everything, don't you, you sexy man."

"That I do, ma'am." She leaned up shaking her head, body shuddering slightly as she suppressed a laugh. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I'm just…happy." Shepard's lips curled into a genuinely content smile, her hand taking his as she led him to the bed. "Come, let's get some rest. We'll be at Earth soon enough." They climbed into the bed together, under the covers, Kaidan wrapping his arm around her and holding her to his side as she slid easily into a light slumber, all the turmoil in her having given way to a strange, but wonderful, feeling of contentedness. Strangely, she wouldn't have had it any other way.

* * *

Shepard woke with nausea again, her stomach rolling and churning almost painfully. She sat up slowly, putting a hand to her head as a wave of dizziness made the edges of her vision dot black. Kaidan didn't wake when she sat up and she slipped out as quietly as she could, moving on bare feet with quick steps to reach the bathroom before she lost her dinner. Which she did. She panted, sucking in a breath once it was over; the taste was bile in her mouth and she moved to the sink, using her hand to bring some water to her mouth to swish it and spit it out, washing the taste away. When she sighed and raised her gaze, she found Kaidan standing in the doorway, his greying hair sticking up in places, chest bare, and eyes still half dazed as he yawned.

"You okay?" He asked softly, genuinely concerned.

"Yeah…not the first time. Morning sickness," she chuckled and moved to him, kissing his cheek as he took her into his arms and held her. His hand roamed over her hair, caressing it soothingly as she leaned against him, the nausea subsiding.

"Have you asked Chakwas for something?"

"Nah. If I can handle the Reapers, I can handle a little morning sickness." She slipped from his arms and yawned, eyes catching the blinking green light on her private terminal; ah, that's right, Kaidan had mentioned it before that she had messages. No doubt they were from the others and she felt a nervous flutter – they would be shocked, of that she had no doubt, but she wanted them to accept it for what it was, a miracle. Something good that came of all the pain and loss she experienced in this three year war with sentient machines bent on their annihilation. "Wish I could have some caffeine," she grumbled, sitting at her desk. Her head fell back against the chair to glance at him. "Would you mind going down to the mess and grab me something to eat? I'm sure Gardner has something for an upset stomach."

He smiled softly, and nodded, leaning down to kiss her forehead gently, before he moved back down into the room to fetch a shirt. He glanced at the clock; oh-six-hundred. Early enough for crew members to be up, so he decided against the slippers and slipped on his socks and sneakers. "Back before you have time to miss me," he joked with a smile, leaving the Captain's Cabin to take the elevator to the mess two floors down.

Shepard turned back to the terminal once Kaidan left and turned on the screen. There were a number of messages – Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Hackett(all she expected, plus one); briefly she wondered what Hackett would have messaged about that he couldn't call her on vid comm, but she tapped on Garrus' message first.

(Private Terminal: Special Task Force General Garrus Vakarian, 2187 C.E. 7:12 p.m.)

You? Retire? I don't see that happening, Shepard. You would be too bored. Go stir crazy in no time…Pregnant, or otherwise. About that…I didn't think that was possible, what with you having died and all. Not that I am saying it's a bad thing, just having a hard time seeing you as the mothering type – though I suppose you have had a good number of kids over the years. Solving our problems and lecturing us. Though I would suggest we lay off the suicide missions. Between the two of us we have had plenty for both of our lifespans, can't say that about Liara though. With things out there like the Reapers, I can almost be thankful we don't live as long as the Asari. Not that we have to worry about them now, thanks to you, Shepard.

Things on Palaven are as bad as on Earth…everything is rubble, or damn close to it. We lost too much to the Reapers, but if it wasn't for you, we would have lost everything. Rebuilding has been hard but at least we have a shot. Hey, if they ever get the new station up and going again we have to go find a new favorite spot. You know, to catch a breather. I think we deserve a moment or two to breathe.

And Shepard? You'll be a wonderful mother, if not a bit unorthodox. And tell Alenko I think he'll be a pain in the ass father. Bet he'll love that.

(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 7:41 p.m.)

Shepard smiled throughout the length of Garrus' message, chuckling a bit at the way he ended it; she missed him. He was her best friend, it was strange not to have him at her side, complaining about the calibrations on the Normandy's guns and who dared to screw them up. Shaking her head, she tapped onto Tali's message next.

(Private Terminal: Fleet Admiral Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy, 2187 C.E. 9:51 p.m.)

Pregnant? Really? I can't believe it! They really made sure to put you back together didn't they? Jokes aside, Shepard, I am happy for you. I am assuming Kaidan is over the top happy about this. He always said he wanted a family. I'm glad you two managed to work things out. After Horizon…well…I was worried there for a while. It's good that you are pulling back from active duty – you have to put your health first for now.

Rebuilding plans on Rannoch are going smoothly now that the majority of the Fleet has settled back on planet. The Geth have been more than helpful. In no time at all we won't need our suits anymore. Can't believe it…been in a suit my entire life, but because of you and Legion I will be able to hold myself suit free on the surface of my home world. Thank you again, Shepard. I just wish Legion could be here. Is it strange that I miss a Geth?

We will have to make plans to see each other soon – I miss you all.

(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 10:08 p.m.)

She had to agree with that last part – there was no way she could stay separated from them all. They would have to make plans to get together soon, the whole group; even crew from when the Normandy flew under Cerberus colors. Catching up with them had been highlights in the otherwise mostly dark hours of the Reaper War. She just…she wished the lost could be here with them; Thane, Anderson, Legion, and yes, even Mordin – as weird as she found the Salarian at times. She had to admit she liked him more when they met up this time around. Pledging himself to the Krogan's future had made Mordin better, made him someone Shepard found she could admire.

She missed them. Even dealing with as much loss as she had her entire life, it was still a strange thought to think she would never speak to them again, see them, or touch them. With a soft sigh, she tapped on the the message from Liara.

(Private Terminal: Liara T'Soni 2187 C.E. 9:55 p.m.)

I wanted to wait until the others sent their messages before I sent mine(Shepard rolled her eyes – sometimes being the Shadow Broker was way too much of an advantage, even for her friend). Goddess, Shepard, you're pregnant? Miranda did an astounding job when she revived you, didn't she? Even so, it's a miracle. You'll be a wonderful mother.

Thank you, Shepard, for saving us all. You're child couldn't ask for a better mother, or in all seriousness, a better father either. Kaidan will do anything and everything he can. The Goddess has blessed you, Shepard. I'm glad you finally have time to be happy.

Don't worry. I will keep an eye on everything for you while you're out of active duty.

-Liara

(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 10:09 p.m.)

Shepard smiled; well, at least she had someone with unlimited resources as her eyes while she was down and out. Vaguely she wondered what she would do once the baby was born. Would she go back to active duty as an Alliance officer? She couldn't imagine why she wouldn't – she'd never lived any other life since Mindoir.

With a pensive frown, she clicked on Hackett's message.

(Private Terminal: Admiral Steven Hackett, London Alliance Headquarters, 2187 C.E. 5:00 p.m.)

Shepard. The station is nearing completion. Fleets will be escorting it to the Serpent Nebula tomorrow at oh-thirteen-hundred. A new council will have to be formed, seeing as we lost the last to the Reapers. Report in as soon as you touchdown on Earth.

The station was unceremoniously voted to be named Station Shepard.

Hackett out.

(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 5:07 p.m.)

"Any interesting reactions to report?" Kaidan's voice had her turning in the chair to face the door. The smell of soup – hint of chicken – nearly had her salivating. He held a bowl in his hands, heat wafting up visibly. He moved toward her, setting the bowl on the desk beside her terminal and handing her the spoon. "It's hot."

"Thanks," she smiled as she took the spoon, dipping it into the soup – which she saw was chicken noodle, her favorite – and digging out a bite, blowing on briefly before putting it on her tongue. She nearly mmm'd aloud at the taste; somehow, it just…hit the spot. "Garrus told me to tell you 'he'll be a pain in the ass father'. Said you'd like that." She chuckled.

Kaidan smirked, folding his arms over his chest. "Not that I should be surprised he'd say something like that."

"Tali is happy for us, as is Liara." She took another bite.

"Knew there was a reason I liked them." He slipped his shoes off and slid his shirt back off, plopping onto the bed on his back. He folded his arms over his head and stared out at the stars through the roof window Shepard's cabin had – something he liked a lot. There was just something soothing about watching the stars, he found.

"And the new station was apparently named after me," she mumbled, though the grin on her lips was hard to hide.

"I'm not surprised, considering all you've done," he chuckled.

"Kaidan…can I ask you something?" She polished off the rest of the bowl and set the spoon down, standing up and moving to the top of the steps. She folded her arms across her chest, leaning against the fish tank with her hip and shoulder.

"You can ask me anything, Anvi. I think." He chuckled, rolling onto his side to prop himself up on an elbow. His amber gaze found her, a weary yet amused look in them.

"I feel a little stupid asking this considering what we faced but…does this scare you…at all?" She waved a hand, hoping he knew what she was asking. She didn't want to have to spell it out, already feeling foolish for asking it in the first place. How could a pregnancy make her nervous, afraid, when she had raced head on into Harbringer's beam to save the galaxy.

"The baby?" She nodded and he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "Definitely. It's something new and we are always afraid of the unknown. I am happy, though. And excited. I think it's something that invokes a whole bundle of emotions."

"Good to know." She smiled softly.

"ETA to Earth 3 hours," Joker announced over the comm; they must have passed through the relay when she was asleep. Vaguely, she inwardly laughed at the thought that maybe the relay jump is what triggered her morning sickness.

"Thanks Joker, let me know when we are ten minutes out."

"Aye aye, Commander."

Shepard padded on bare feet over to the bed and plopped gently onto her side, wrapping an arm around Kaidan's neck to draw his head down so that she could kiss him deeply. Their tongues caressed, sliding along each others and teasing, stroking endless fires of passion they felt for each other. Pulling back, she tugged on his lower lip with her teeth.

"Feeling a little frisky, Commander?" He murmured against her lips, nipping, before dragging his lips down to tease her delicate jawline, his hand caressing her hip before sliding back to cup her supple bottom.

"Mmm, always." She chuckled and tilted her head back, giving him access to her neck, which he promptly took advantage of. His teeth nipped, tongue soothed, lips sucking the skin just hard enough to leave little red love marks on her pale skin. He rolled her onto her back and used his skilled hands to pull her shirt over her head, leaving her ample breasts bare to his gaze; at his insistence, she had stopped wearing undergarments to bed so, should they wake in the middle of the night to sate their desire for each other – and they did so often – there wasn't much clothing to get in their way. Well, complicated clothing. Bra hooks were too complicated when one was only half awake.

"Any ideas on what we could do for a couple hours to keep busy?" He asked, his expression carefully blank before he leaned down and drew his tongue around a pink nipple.

"Mmm, I am sure you can think of something," she chuckled, before she lost herself as his hand slipped into her shorts to find her core already wet for him, two fingers sliding deep to stroke her. "I have no doubt about that."


	9. Unsteady Ground

**A/N: **Thank you for those of you still reading; the reviews, alerts, favorites, give me motivation like you wouldn't believe. This story has taken a back seat to **_A Path Rewritten_**, but for those of you still following, don't worry, I'm not dropping it. Because I opted to have the Citadel destroyed in this rewrite, this chapter took a little bit longer to redo because I had to rework some things. Thank you all still here for your continued support!

If you have a moment, please do leave a review. :)

Here is the picture for the space station(I'm not very good yet at describing these sorts of things, remember to take the spaces out).

Space station design: www. wreckamovie system/ shot_medias/ 0000/ 3552/ Station_C .jpg

Disclaimer: Bioware

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Nine – Unsteady Ground**

* * *

Several weeks later, the station was nearing completion in its new home in the Serpent Nebula, where its predecessor had resided before it. All the races had come together, much like when they had built the crucible, and even though it could not live up to the Citadel, it was a marvel to behold. Shepard could scarcely believe her eyes as the Normandy completed its jump through the mass relay; nearly as big as the Citadel, one long cylindrical center piece, with three circular rings. Each ring had three massive arms, stretching out, each arm holding four smaller branches and Shepard watched as ships came and went from the docking portals. It really was a marvel, she thought as the Normandy swung around to pull into port.

"Tower control, this is the Normandy requesting clearance for dock," Joker said as he brought up the comm, expertly moving his hands across the flight controls.

"This is Alliance command, tower control, you're cleared for landing Normandy," the reply came through quickly.

"You'll let me know how the new digs are?" Joker asked her as the ship pulled in through the kinetic barrier, the docking arm latching itself to the Normandy's airlock.

Shepard chuckled, the docking seemingly effortless. "You're more than welcome to check out 'the new digs' yourself, Joker," she replied as she uncrossed her arms.

"Nah, I think I'll just hang out here. Home sweet home, and all that."

"Good point. Probably going to get lost anyway," she sighed. "Oh well. Things have to be done. Take care of the ship while I'm away." She waved as she left.

The docks were impressive not only in their size, but in the amount of bodies coming and going without the station being completely finished. Turians, asari, salarian, krogan, human; many and all, with smiles, something Shepard hadn't seen since the Reaper's invaded all those months ago. A lot of them were most likely refugees that had been rescued by patrols, or post-war search parties, and were no doubt looking to catch lifts back to their home worlds. All of their home worlds had been devastated by the Reapers, and were undergoing massive rebuilding efforts. That's where her friends had gone, back to their homes to try and help put things right.

Eventually she found the lift and stepped inside. "Spectre status recognized – which floor, Admiral Shepard?"

"Embassies?" She supplied hopefully; this lift seemed much like the one she'd used each time she visited the Citadel, a VI that assisted in the coming and goings of travel in the station. It was almost comforting that the galactic assembly was working so hard to make this a station worthy of its predecessor.

The doors hissed shut and soon the lift was moving. It wasn't long before they opened again and she stepped off, to find herself in a large lobby, large holographic screens overhead. There were many help desks, she saw, something that made her feel pride; since the war had ended, more of the galactic populace was more willing to pitch in and help where they could. There was only one large set of stairs and she opted to take them, climbing them to find herself looking down a long hall. A turian guard just to her right saluted her, catching her off guard; he was tall, even for a turian, nearly black, though he held bits of silver, his eyes almost a garden green. He reminded her of Nihlus.

She never recalled any Turian – save Garrus – that had ever seen her equal in rank or title. To see a Turian saluting her, acknowledging that, was nearly surreal. "The others await you in the meeting room, Admiral." He said, his dual-toned vocals making her almost nostalgic. "Second door on your right, ma'am."

"Thank you, but you don't need to salute me," she said with a slight half shrug of a shoulder.

"Negative, Admiral. You saved Palaven from the Reapers – if I didn't give you the respect you deserve, my mother would kick my ass." His mandibles fluttered in the way she had come to know was turians smiling. Or grinning.

She chuckled and snapped off a return salute. "At ease, soldier. Keep up the good work." He moved and she passed by him, shaking her head with a small laugh; would the wonders never cease? She was beginning to feel like a commander of the galaxy, not just of the Alliance; it was a good thing she wasn't the egotistical sort, or this could have very well gone straight to her head. The walk to the meeting room wasn't long and she was stepping in before she even realized it. Down the steps and to the left into the main room where she expected them to be waiting for her; the asari was expected, as well as the turian, and the salarian(though after what the Dalatrass had tried to coerce her into doing, she was not all that fond of the salarian hierarchy right now), but she was pleasantly surprised to see a krogan – and not just any krogan, but Eve.

"Eve!" Shepard greeted her warmly, clasping her hand and shaking it once she had offered it.

"Commander Shepard – it is pleasant to see you again."

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you," Shepard grinned. As much as she wanted to continue to talk to Eve, she had to speak the whole of them not just the krogan. Her body turned slightly, so she could address them as they gathered close by. "Hackett sent me to negotiate who you will have taking place on the council as humanity's representative. He said you had someone in mind."

The asari nodded softly. "We do, yes."

"There really was no one else in mind; if there were, we would be as blind as the previous council was." The salarian nearly scoffed, waving his hand almost dismissively as if the conversation was pointless, as if the decision was made, not just in consideration.

"It was a unanimous decision, Shepard." The turian was next to step up. "If you would gladly accept, Admiral, we would like you to be humanity's representative."

Wait – what? Shepard's brain nearly blacked out as shock settled in. Her? On the Council? Representing _all of humanity_?

"There is…no one else?" She asked cautiously; she made sure to keep her voice steady, not wanting to appear ungrateful.

"There is no one else, Shepard." Eve said as she folded her arms across her chest. She nodded, as if acknowledging it to herself. "If it weren't for you, there would be no galaxy to council, no races left to inhabit our worlds. You single handedly defeated the Reapers and are the best that humanity has to offer."

Her voice failed her, as did her words; they just wouldn't come to her. Her lips moved as she floundered for something to say, anything really. A gesture uncharacteristic of her, a hand raised and rubbed the back of her neck as her thoughts ran at nearly incoherent speeds. It was the kind of job Kaidan and she wanted her to have; out of the way, no fighting – and yes, important, because Kaidan said she deserved it. However, in the last three years the council had nearly died twice, and then actually did _die_. Though, the responsible parties were now quite literally six feet under thanks to Shepard.

Could she say no? _Should_ she say no?

"I have to admit that for once I find myself at a loss…" She chuckled softly.

"That's understandable, Shepard. It is not a decision to take lightly." The salarian offered, helping to ease her mental anguish over her indecision.

"I would ask for some time to think on it, if that's acceptable."

"Of course, Shepard." Eve took her hand again and shook it, clasping her arm in a warrior's gesture. "Please, give it some thought – you would do great, I know it without a doubt."

* * *

Shepard moved to the bed and sat back, lying there and looking up at the ceiling for a long moment. The doctor hit a series of keys on her console, then fired up her omni-tool, syncing the two; a sensory rod whirled to life and she moved it to settle just over Shepard's slightly extended abdomen. She felt the warmth as the sensory machine did its work, mapping her abdomen, her womb, and the life growing there as the doctor's omni-tool took all the normal sensory readings that were necessary. The whole procedure only took a few minutes and it was over before Shepard had too much time to dwell on it – the slight, few moments she had to think were spent praying there was nothing wrong with her baby. After all they had been through, Fate would get a serious ass kicking from her if something was wrong with the one perfect thing her life had been given(well, besides Kaidan).

"Alright, you can sit up, Shepard." She did as the doctor said and stretched slightly, popping her back.

"Good news I hope?" Shepard asked cautiously.

"I would like to think so." The doctor smiled. Almost beamed. Shepard's brows rose slightly. "Everything is healthy with your babies."

Wait – did she say _babies_? As in more…than one?

"Wait – what? _Babies?_" Shepard's voice cracked and she cleared her throat.

"Two babies, twins. Both appear to be girls, though earlier sex detection is not one hundred percent reliable."

Oh lord. _Not one baby, __**two. Two babies. **_

It seemed as if she would be returning to the Normandy with far more news for Kaidan than she had realized. The day had started off ordinarily enough and now, everything, had flipped upside down and the ground beneath her suddenly didn't feel as solid as it had this morning.

* * *

"What did you want to talk about?" Kaidan asked as he sat back on the sofa, watching with a curious gaze as Shepard paced the confines of her cabin. She looked anxious and nervous; biting her lip each time she glanced over at him – almost as if what she had to tell him would send him running for the hills. The smile was betraying him, tilting his lips upwards ever so slightly. How did a woman of her integrity, her strength, manage to look so cute when she was worried?

"Well let's just say this day has been filled with a number of surprises," she huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Nothing bad I hope," he chuckled.

"I…I don't think so," she answered, giving him a somewhat hesitant smile. "That all depends on your reaction, I suppose."

"Oh – well, you certainly have my attention now." He sat forward, bracing his elbows on his thighs, giving her a mock intense amber gaze, cocking a brow. He tried to keep his lips steady, but they twitched, betraying him.

She stared at him for a long moment, before she started laughing, shaking her head. A hand scooped up one of the sofa pillows, tossing it at him – he merely chuckled, using his biotics to stop the pillow and let it fall at his feet. "Cheater," she mumbled, to which he shrugged his shoulders and sat back again. "You're impossible, you know that right?"

"Of course Commander." He chuckled.

"As long as you know," she shook her head again and moved to the edge of her bed, sitting there on the mattress and leaning back on her hands. Her iridescent silver gaze was on him, almost studying him, and he knew she was doing _that thing_ again – weighing her options, going over the pro's and con's of what she had to say. As a soldier, and a leader, it was something she had learned to do out of necessity; while it was something he admired, at the same time he wanted to shake her and tell her there were things to life besides missions and war. He wanted to be here with her, even if in the wake of the war she was having trouble adjusting to what they would call a peaceful life – even if the galaxy was in chaos trying to rebuild.

"I'm not going to run, if that's what you are thinking, Shepard."

"You say that now," she huffed and turned her gaze to the window in her ceiling; whereas the stars were nearly all she could see from here, being docked at the station, she could see much of the arm they were docked upon. "I spoke to the council candidates about their human representative."

"Did they have someone in mind?" He asked, genuinely curious – whomever they chose, he just hoped it wouldn't turn into another…Udina. To think he had almost taken that man's word over Shepard's.

"Yes, actually they did. They want _me_ on the council."

Kaidan's brows rose nearly into his dark – slightly graying – hair. Well…that was not entirely unexpected. He probably would have put her up as a candidate himself had he been in their position. Shepard, by far, was the obvious choice. "What did you tell them?" He asked finally.

"That I needed time to think it over; I at least wanted to talk to you about it first." He nodded at her words. "Kaidan…it was a shock, to be honest. I have always been a survivor, a fighter, not a diplomat. I am no politician."

"Perhaps this will be good for you, Shepard." She looked at him, surprise evident on her features. He offered a reassuring smile, waving emphatically with a hand. "The war is over. Things are…peaceful enough. You're pregnant and retiring; we talked about finding you an easier job. The council could be just what you need. And as a council Spectre, I would always be at your side; I'm not about to let another Coup try to separate us again anytime soon."

Shepard seemed to mull over his words in silent contemplation, before she gave a slightly hesitant nod. "You may be right. I…will take what you have said into serious consideration, Kaidan. Thank you." Getting up from the bed, she moved toward the sofa, instead seating herself just beside him now. "That's not all I wanted to talk to you about."

"I figured as much," he chuckled, linking his hand with hers and lacing their fingers together; it was strange, how well they fit together, even with something so simple as this. "You can tell me anything, Shepard. You know that."

"I do know that," she smiled and leaned against him for a moment. They shared the comfortable silence for a few moments, content to be able to sit here like this, with no worries weighing them down. Finally she straightened and angled herself to face him, though she did not pull her hand away from his. "I saw a doctor while I was on the station."

"About the baby?" She nodded, though the sight of her biting her lip again had him cautiously pessimistic about the news she had to share with him. They had been through so much already…he hoped, beyond hoped, the news was good. It _had_ to be. "Shepard?"

"Please, please, don't freak on me," she almost whispered the words like a prayer. "I am trying not to panic myself at the moment; if you panic, I may not be able to help myself."

"I will do my best?" He smiled slightly, a brow arched.

"The babies are fine." She bit her lip again – vaguely he wondered if she had ever made it bleed the way she nibbled on it. Her gaze was watching him so intently, he wondered why; the babies were fine, right? So why did she look so worried? Or like someone had just stolen her puppy?

"Well…that's good, Shepa –" And then, like a bucket of ice cold water, it hit him. He felt like someone punched him in the gut and robbed him of his breath. Eyes wide, he stared at her, analyzing her from every vantage point – ever so vaguely he was weighing the option that she _could _be messing with him. When she gave no slip, no indication of a jest, he asked, "Did you just say babies – as in, more than one?"

"Yes," she whispered the word, adverting her gaze. "And, you were right about something – not only are we having twins, but they are both girls."

It was silent for a long, long moment as Shepard's heart pounded against her breastbone and pounded like a drum in her ears. Oh god, he was panicking, wasn't he? She was afraid to look back at him and see that she was right. When his gentle laughter hit her ears, she thought she'd finally lost it. Her gaze slid back to him, to find his face alight with joy and a grin that could shatter glass across his face.

"Two girls, huh?" He finally asked, although rhetorically, when his laughter subsided. "Can't say that I am surprised – no, wait, I am surprised, well…you know what I mean." He chuckled again, bringing her hand to his lips to kiss it gently.

"You…you're fine with this?" She swallowed thickly.

"Of course I am!" He wrapped his free arm around her and brought her against him. "You were worried over that?"

"Well…yeah. It's not like I have ever had to tell a guy I'm having his baby, much less two of them. I wasn't sure how you would react," she sighed the confession against his neck, leaning her cheek against his shoulder.

"You should know me better than that by now, Shepard. If I stood at your side to fight the Reapers, you should have known I wouldn't run at the thought of being a father to twins…as intimidating as the thought is."

"True enough." She raised her head and they shared a gentle kiss. "Thank you, Kaidan, I mean it. I don't think I could have done this – any of this – without you."

"I have made my mistakes, Shepard - I don't plan on making any more." He trailed his fingers through her hair, caressing the strands before he leaned his head down to find her lips again. A gentle caress that soon turned into a passionate melding of their lips. After a moment, he lifted his head and nearly found himself drowning in her unique gaze. "I love you, Anvi. No matter what your job is, how many babies we have, no matter what happens - that will never change. I should be the one thanking you."

"For what, Kaidan?"

"For giving me another chance, for letting me redeem the fool who turned his back on you. Your death...I may as well have died with you; it was hell getting over you, and I never really did. I let my bitterness and my mistrust of Cerberus control me. Thank-you for _your _trust. I won't let you down again, I promise." He wiped a tear that threatened to spill from her eye, kissing her softly again.

"Kaidan Alenko, I will make you pay for making me cry," she chuckled.

"I look forward to it, Shepard." He responded with a grin.

* * *

Admiral Shepard and Major Alenko stood before the council candidates as they reconvened at Shepard's behest in the meeting room of the embassies. Eve seemed happy to see her back, and Shepard knew, could she see her face, she would have seen a grin there. The thought had her missing Wrex all of a sudden and his grins. That's right…Eve and Wrex were going to be parents too, weren't they?

That thought alone made Shepard feel more at ease.

"I believe you have given our offer consideration?" Neesa, the asari councilor, asked.

"I have, yes."

"I would hope you gave it a due amount of consideration," Krin, the salarian, added.

Shepard nodded as she folded her hands behind her back, straightening her spine. "I have. I did not take it lightly, I assure you."

"That is good," this time it came from Naxis the turian. Shepard felt better knowing their names; after all, she would be working closely with them, wouldn't she? "You have an answer then?" His mandibles fluttered slightly, head tilting a bit in what she could now recognize as curiosity, having seen the same from Garrus a time or two in all their years of friendship.

Again, she nodded. "I, Admiral Anvi Shepard of the Alliance, formally accept your offer to name me as human councilor to the Galactic Council." She cocked her head to indicate Kaidan as he came to stand directly at her side. "Spectre Alenko has asked that he be assigned as Council protection and I have not denied him. He was here, protecting the Council, when Cerberus attempted to take over with Udina's help. I believe him to be the very best, both as a soldier and as a biotic."

"You will hear to argument from me, Shepard," Eve admitted, extending her hand to shake it with both, first Kaidan, then Shepard. The other councilors agreed as well.

"It is settled then," Naxis said with a nod. "Welcome to the Council Shepard."


	10. Nine Months

**A/N: **I will be working Mondays through Fridays, in the mornings, 20 hours a week. I will also be attending college for 12 hours a week. That being said, I will be busy but will not fall too terribly behind on my updates. However, my net still isn't working so I will most likely be transferring my service – in the meantime, I'll be using the net at Starbucks when I get my coffee~

**Sidenote:** November marks NaNoWriMo; National Novel Writing Month. I had signed up to participate this year, so that may eat up a bit of time each night throughout November. Updates might end up being weekly during that time.

Thank for your reviews, alerts, and favorites!

Disclaimer: Bioware owns Mass Effect.

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Ten – Nine Months**

* * *

Having been elected onto the Galactic Council, Shepard found that she didn't leave SS very often. Most of her duties often kept her aboard the great space station, but both she and Kaidan found that to be an agreeable thing. Especially given her condition. She couldn't very traipse about the galaxy pregnant with twins, not if she wanted to protect them. Her usual missions proved to be daily trials against life and death, something she could not allow during the pregnancy. Being on the Council proved to be the much better alternative, considering what had happened on their last mission on Mindoir.

Her days proved to be long and arduous, and some days even tedious. Some nights she was required to stay in her office, much to Kaidan's disappointment, to finish paperwork for some problem or another, and there was _always _a problem somewhere. In truth she was a little biased, wanting to help with humanity's issues considering how the Council had treated her race prior to the Reaper invasion. Eve was the same about the krogan, wanting to prove that her people had changed and weren't the same krogans that had to be quelled during the rebellions.

The Normandy, still cutting edge technology and the best ship in the Alliance fleet, or at least what remained of it, was now under the command of James Vega. In the months that had passed since defeating the Reapers, her and her Alliance squad members had undergone promotions; Shepard to Admiral, Kaidan to General, and Vega to Major. Major Vega answered primarily to the Alliance, at least until Shepard petitioned to have him made into a Spectre; he was an outstanding soldier, as he had proved both on Ferris Fields and during the Reaper War, and he was an N7 recruit, one of the Alliances most prestigious programs(though the program had been put on hold for the rebuilding efforts).

He was stunned to say the least, but did not turn her down and, after little persuasion, the other Councilors were on board, trusting her judgment considering none of them would be here if she had not stopped the Reapers, as well as Eve's who had witnessed Vega in person when they had cured the Genophage. The ceremony took place in the Council chambers, with news crews ever present; humanity had very few of themselves within the Spectre ranks – thus far only Shepard and Kaidan – so Vega becoming the third human to become a Spectre was still big galactic news.

Their surviving crew mates had attended – Liara T'soni, Garrus Vakarian, Javik, Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy, Joker, and even EDI. Hackett had been in attendance as well, even with how busy he must have been on Earth coordinating the Alliance. By the end of it, she could have sworn she saw James tearing up but she hadn't had much time to contemplate it as Fate – the unpredictable mistress that she was – chose this time to send her into labor.

* * *

Shepard had faced down sentient machines that could stomp her into the ground like a bug – and some nearly had. She had come face to face with a Reaper's destructive eye – beam ready to fire and disintegrate her. She had been thrown into space and suffered a slow, painful death as she fell through Alchera's atmosphere. She had survived Akuze, running and fighting, barely surviving Thresher Maws as they chased her down like prime prey. Mindoir – she had watched her home burn and fall to pieces as Batarians invaded.

She was never more frightened than she was in this moment. It nearly made her want to dissolve into laughter, had she not been so utterly terrified.

What was it about child birth that struck fear into a woman's soul? The pain it would bring, the anxiety and worry of the baby's health, the worry of her own health – there were so many reasons, and she couldn't settle on one, so she accepted them all as why she was nearly hysterical.

Kaidan was at her side, for which she could be grateful. Feet up in the stir-ups with the doctor between her legs, urging her to push as another wave of excruciating pain washed over her. She couldn't hear them, not Kaidan's reassuring words, or the doctor's urging; her heart was pounding louder than an army's feet, deafening her even to her own cries. Maybe it was the soldier in her that told her she could do this without pain meds, or maybe it was her will alone; something told her, almost in a primal way, that she could do this without medicine. She was strong, damn it, and she would show her children how strong she was from the moment they were born.

There was a wail and she fell back against the bed, her chest heaving. Kaidan's hand ghosted over her hair and he spoke words she couldn't make out. She gave him a weak smile, her gut already rippling with another wave of pain that came with contractions. The doctor quickly passed off baby one to a nurse and was back, kneeling between her legs and urging her to push. Shepard tried to bite back the pitiful noises coming from her lips as she sat up with Kaidan's help, doing as the doctor bade her. It was so hard to breathe, to concentrate, her mind reeling and every nerve in her body screaming in pain.

Finally, it was over and she fell back against the bed, sweaty and breathing erratic. The pounding in her ears subsided and she could hear the babies as the doctor and the nurses cleaned them up, checked over them. And even Kaidan, she could hear him now. Her eyes found his and she wanted to kick herself for it, but she immediately started bawling. He only miled, and kissed her sweaty forehead, holding her to him.

"Two very healthy baby girls," The doctor announced as she and a nurse brought the swaddled babies toward them. Both her arms outstretched, Shepard trembled as the babies were laid in her embrace. She brought them against her chest in awe.

Her weeping eyes dropped to stare into two perfect, nearly angelic faces. Her own eyes were looking up at her, wide, from both faces, but those black curls they sported were all Kaidan. Pale, chubby cheeked, perfect little beings _she_ had given life to.

"Congratulations you two. I will give you a moment alone." Shepard nodded, but couldn't tear her eyes away from the babies she held. The door hissed and she knew they were alone with their children. _Their children. _It was a mind-numbing, surreal realization, even though she had been carrying them inside her for months. What had felt like a dream, and sometimes a nightmare, was now reality.

"They're so…cute," Kaidan admitted with a chuckle, touching the tip of his finger to one nose, then the other. Both babies nearly went cross-eyed and she laughed.

"Don't torture the poor things." She sighed as they situated, making room for him on the bed beside her and she laid her head against his shoulder. "We never did decide on names, did we?"

"No, not really; I believe each argument led to…other things." Her hormones had nearly made it impossible for them to debate anything; every argument ended with her pinning him to the bed and having her wicked, wanton way with him. Not that he had minded, it just seemed like they had never been able to get much done.

"What did you suggest? I forgot." She chuckled and turned her head to kiss his lips as the babies cooed.

"I do believe I said Rhiannon, and Katherine." He returned her kiss, even dared to deepen it, before pulling back with a play tug on her lower lip. "I think that's when you snapped back at me that they were too girly and names like that would make them soft."

Shepard groaned. "Was I really that bad?"

"I am afraid so." They fell into an amused silence, looking down into their child's faces. Their eyes seemed to be taking in every feature of her and Kaidan's face and she wanted to laugh at how concentrated they seemed to be. There was little to no difference in their faces and she dreaded identical twins; what if she mixed them up all the time? What kind of mother would she be then?

"There, a little birthmark there, on her jaw just under her ear."

Shepard blinked and looked at him strangely. "What are you on about?"

He met her eyes and laughed softly. "You were wondering how to tell them apart."

"I was no- okay, I was." She sighed dramatically. "How did you know?"

He grinned, almost sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was wondering the same myself."

She couldn't help the fit of laughter that came then, in the form of rumbling chuckles that had the babies looking at her strangely. One seemed to be drifting, lashes fluttering as blinks stretched out until her eyes remained shut. "Well, at least there is something." She watched then as the other seemed to give up and follow her sister, asleep in a matter of moments; poor things must have been exhausted. Birth _had _to be a traumatizing experience.

"Rhiannon, and…Riley." He said then. When she looked at his face curiously, he pointed to the one with the birthmark. "Riley." Then he pointed to the other. "Rhiannon."

"I suppose that's a decent compromise." She chuckled and leaned against him, Kaidan sliding his arm behind her head and holding her and their daughters against his side. "Rhiannon and Riley Alenko."

"Alenko?" His brows raised at the one.

"Not so much pressure that way. Sure, it will be known that they're children of Shepard, but at least the name won't be weighing them down." She chuckled. "Or whatever. Personally, I think Shepard is something that should stay with me. A rather unusual name. I think Alenko is better anyway. And we'll be married soon – so it's only right they have your name."

He chuckled. "Even if you won't."

"Hey now – I compromised. Anvi Alenko Shepard. Don't push your luck."

He leaned his head against hers and touched a hand to Riley's hair, stroking it gently. "Shall we let the others in now?"

"I did pick the most inopportune time to go into labor, didn't I?" She chuckled.

Kaidan laughed softly and nodded. "No doubt it will be all over the vids," he pointed out which made Shepard grumble in mortification. "I wonder if it will take precedence over Vega becoming a Spectre. That would be amusing."

"I would certainly hope not. If so, they seriously have their priorities confused."

"Which is different from normal how?"

"Good point." She grinned. "Alright, go get the others. They are probably going nuts out there. I can imagine Tali wringing her hands raw and pacing a hole into the floor."

"Better that than Garrus threatening someone for information."

"Liara could be doing that too," Shepard groaned. "James is probably doing push ups. At least Javik is capable of waiting patiently."

"Better go get them then. Don't need to cause a panic."

"Get a move on soldier," she teased.

He grinned, "aye-aye ma'am."


	11. Expectations versus Reality

**A/N: **Very sorry for the long pause; life has been busy. But here we are – update time! Also, if anyone is interested, Garrus's babysitting bit in here is actually a reference to a story linked with this one called 'Garrus Vakarian: Sharp Shooter not Babysitter' that I am writing/have wrote as a companion piece. You can find it on my profile.

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns it, but I like to write about it anyway

* * *

**After Our Darkest Hour**

**Chapter Eleven – Expectations versus Reality**

* * *

Shepard was not sure what to expect after the children were born. She was a soldier through and through, even if she had spent the last nine months winding down to a more subdued life on the Council. Taking care of the girls was not as easy as she might have thought; this coming from someone whom saved the galaxy from a race of sentient machines bent on galactic annihilation.

Piercing cries woke her during the night, though she was almost thankful for that. Often the girls would wake her from her nightmares. Cries kept her on edge during most of the day. Getting work done turned out to be nearly impossible. At times, when she couldn't get them to stop crying, she felt like weeping herself and tearing out her hair.

If it weren't for Kaidan she was sure she would have broken. The doctor said it was normal, what with her hormones still spiraling out of control, but that didn't help ease her frustration at not being able to handle being a mother more appropiately. The girls loved Kaidan and they rarely cried when he handled them, a fact that both made her happy and frustrated her.

The reality of parenthood seemed far off from the expectations. But that was how it went usually, didn't it?

One night she couldn't hold it together anymore. She had been up late working on paperwork and then Riley had woken her a mere hour after she'd finally fallen asleep. Shepard climbed out of bed and tried to soothe her daughter; changed her, fed her, burped her, and yet, nothing worked. Riley continued to cry. Soon, her crying woke her sister and then this process was repeated. Eventually, Shepard slumped into the rocking chair beside their crib with them in her arms and started crying.

That's when they stopped crying and looked up at her with perplexed, almost concerned, pale blue eyes. Then they both giggled and reached out their hands, wiggling their little fingers at her. Shepard laughed softly through her tears and then cradled them close.

After that, things began to seem less like a chore and more like it should. Riley and Rhiannon seemed to understand how far they'd pushed their mother, something that astounded both Shepard and Kaidan. That one night seemed to change them into a family. Things began to follow a somewhat normal routine after that. When Shepard had to work, Kaidan would stay with the girls(though often times, Spectre Vega would stop by and help keep an eye on his nieces). Since he was on protection detail for the Council, he would only have to leave the home if the Council demanded it(they didn't often, considering). The Council had even granted a grand ceremony to see Kaidan and Shepard married, a moment that went down in history like every bit of Shepard's life often did.

Since the wedding, Tali stopped by often to spend time with Riley and Rhiannon. She just simply couldn't get enough of Shepard's daughters(she had even dubbed them Riley and Rhiannon Nar'Normandy – which, in quarian, meant they were children of the ship Normandy; they'd been conceived there, even if they had been born on SS, was Tali's reasoning).

Garrus visited rarely and often appeared uncomfortable around what he called such 'fragile' creatures. Shepard could see that he feared hurting them. Liara stopped by as often as Garrus, too busy as the Shadow Broker to pull herself away from work; Shepard was amazed she managed to do it at all. T'Soni was a hell of a Shadow Broker and definitely a force to be reckoned with. The asari had changed in the years Shepard had been indisposed(she refused to think of herself as dead, even if she had been at the time).

By the time the girls were a year and a half, Shepard figured that it was about time that she and Kaidan take a night to themselves. It had been so long since the two had been on a date, not that she disliked the time she had with her now husband and their daughters. Tali was more than happy to babysit, but had made an unusual request – that Shepard somehow talk Garrus into babysitting with her. Tali swore it was for the girls, because they honestly did love Garrus, but Shepard couldn't help but think that maybe Tali wanted time with Garrus(she had always suspected that the quarian might be carrying a torch for their turian friend).

_Somehow _Shepard managed to talk him into it, though she regretted having to nearly guilt him into to doing so. He was obviously uncomfortable with the idea. And honestly, as much as she trusted Garrus with her own life, she was a bit uncomfortable with it as well, although Kaidan attributed it to the fact that this would be the first night they both left the girls with someone else. Kaidan told her it was normal, despite how much she thought it wasn't.

"Calm down, love," Kaidan chuckled, squeezing her hand where it was fidgeting on the table top.

"We should call them, make sure everything is alright."

"Shepard, they're fine, really." He brought her hand to his jaw and kissed her palm.

"If you're sure..." she trailed off to nibble at her lip.

This wasn't who she was. She was not a nervous wreck. Even standing toe to toe with a gigantic ass Reaper, she'd kept her cool. Yet the thought of leaving her children unsettled her. What Anderson wouldn't give to see her now, she thought.

Their dinner arrived but Shepard merely picked at it, much to Kaidan's amusement. Shepard paid no mind to it, glaring at him in warning before returning to pick at her food.

"They really are fine, I promise."

Shepard narrowed her eyes on him again. "You can't promise me that."

Kaidan laughed. "Yes I can, Shepard. Garrus isn't going to let anything happen to them."

"He's not exactly babysitting material; what was Tali thinking?" She didn't like thinking about her friend that way, but these were her children.

"It could be a good thing," he ventured cautiously.

"How so?"

"It's obvious he needs to loosen up." Kaidan took a bite of his steak and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. "He's the only one so uneasy around the girls."

"For good reason; have you seen those talons of his? And those fangs? Hell, even his mandibles look like the edges are razor sharp."

She was being serious, but he couldn't help but laugh. "Listen to you – you'd think he was a weapon, the way you are describing him."

Shepard conceded to that point and actually managed to eat some of her dinner. Afterward, they took a romantic stroll through an artificial park in the station. He carried her heels in one hand and had the other resting on her hip. They walked in companionable silence, even as Shepard's mind raced with every possible catastrophe that could befall her kids.

She wasn't able to linger on that thought long because Kaidan took it upon himself to distract her thoroughly and more than once. By the end of the night, she was able to return home without being in a panic.

To her surprise, Garrus and Tali seemed to have had a good time babysitting Riley and Rhiannon. In fact, the girls were sleeping quietly in their beds. It was safe to say that she was amazed. Garrus even seemed happy.

A couple of days passed and then something happened.

Riley and Rhiannon had been playing in the living-room with their dolls when suddenly Riley hopped up, came up to Shepard, and very clearly said, "Gawwus!"

Shepard's brows rose sharply. "Gawwus?"

At that, Rhiannon hopped up excitedly and came over. "Gawwus?"

Shepard's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Okay – the girls had spoken nothing but normal baby gibberish up until this point and the first night that Garrus babysat, they were saying his name. Obviously her turian friend had neglected to tell her something. As much as she wanted to be jealous, she was actually amused.

She fired up her omni-tool and dialed for Garrus, but she aimed it at the girls as it rang. Garrus picked up after a moment and when Riley and Rhiannon saw Garrus's face on the screen, they began to jump up at the omni-tool excitedly.

"Gawwus! Gawwus!"

"Gawwus!"

"Uh, hey there," he ventured carefully.

Shepard chuckled to herself and then swung the omni-tool around so that he could see her face. She raised a brow, not able to hide the smirk on her lips. "Something you neglected to tell me, Vakarian?"

"Tch," he scoffed and glanced away, seeming embarrassed to be caught. "Should have known the squirts would rat me out."

And even as she laughed, Shepard felt herself grow a little more; the expectations were always there, but the reality always ended up being so much better. Maybe now she could find it in herself to let go, if just a little bit. Things could go on without her, without ending in disaster. And, for some reason, that was a comforting thought.

Being a mother? Yeah, she could do that. And then some.


End file.
